khamoshi-ek pal ke liye…

This is like this phenomenon that I have been observing for the past year and a half. I have a best friend, Jabberwock, but she is peanuts about her guy, that she doesn’t have time for me. She has been my best friend since school days, for more than 9 years now. I have a temporary best friend, Harry, of whom I have talked of before, but he seems to be reclining into the background, because I realize that I am putting in more than required to keep our sparks alive.

At any given time in my life, I ALWAYS  have one person who is close to me. But as we get acquainted, he starts to fade away in the background, and someone else comes forward. And this phenomenon seems beautifully weaved. (He is a generalization. Even the she’s have betrayed me!)

At every BIG  juncture in my life, I have lost friends, who I thought meant really important to me. Just as I was about to finish school, I knew ‘who meant what they really said’. I lost my best friends, due to some stupid misunderstanding and didn’t talk to each other for years. My love for them, transformed into hate. The scenario is that if one of those friends needed some help from me was the only time we have had conversations. But yea, my not-so-close school friends are still people I cherish catching up with. They are few friends, for whom, I would do ANYTHING.

As I am about to finish college, I LOST my college friends. I don’t even want to talk about what went wrong. But the point being that I never made close friends in college, but they were good friends. And as they say, you never miss the water until it’s gone.

Even the most interesting person on this planet, gets timeworn. It’s like playing a video game. You just keep trying harder and harder, till u don’t finish the level, but once u ride through it, it don’t think of investing the same amount of effort again! People too, likewise. Till the time you don’t know a person, u try to be your best self, and once you know each other, the importance slices away.

The time when my college friends started to wither away, I started to realize the importance of people. I know what it friendship means. Now I am very picky about people I go out with.

I also get jittery, if someone invades the close corners of my life, because I assume, like every time, this friendship too, would lose virtue. People, whom I have known over a period of time, retain their place. But when things just happen too fast, culminate that soon. I just don’t want to know new people. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to go away. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to come close to me. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me.

I am in my un-friendly mode off late. I was/am the social butterfly. But I just don’t want to know anyone. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I am in that phase, where I just want to be left alone. Do my own thing. Like I don’t care. Like I don’t bother. Like I shouldn’t bother. I feel lonely in crowds. Silence eases me.

Is there anyone who is hearing this silence?!