What if it was ONLY me, wanting to hold on?
Okay, I dont know on whom to throw this feeling on. I have this he-best-friend, Harry. I have already spoken about him. We really like each other, we enjoy each other’s company; but we are not dating. Because we feel that we are just not meant to be with each other. But the whole WORLD around us, thinks that we are ‘together’. Our acquaintances know each other, our friends know each other. A nice guy to be with. Infact, I speak to him more often than I speak to Ex!
Apparently, I get a little jealous when he gets around with ‘other’ females, and still re-affirms that I still hold the special position. And I believed it is true. Wish words had meaning without actions.
We don’t fight. We don’t need to fight. We amicably resolve things between each other, before the heat builds on. He is someone I don’t need to prove myself to. I can just be me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY respect him. And platonically, love him too.
He has a lot of ego. I dont know, if I could call it un-necessary. So, even if we do have differences, he feels it is against his ego to make the initiative to resolve. And I have given myself OUT and OUT to him. And everytime, I forgot my ego; because HE was more important than an ego massage.
We had a great early-morning conversation today, and when I logged onto my system, I just wrote a casual ’satirical’ mail to him about something very trivial, and told him my perspective on it.
If it were the real him, I knew that he would have taken it as a positive thing. But I guess, the mail back-fired. I guess, this is the longest mail he has ever replied me back with a string of semantics I couldn’t imagine. I fathom if it were HIS fingers that typed that mail. And he deleted me from his list too 
I intended good humour and waxed with logic into my words. I think, its just the way he took it.
It was a very very small thing, that has been blown out of proportion.
The feeling I am going through right now: I feel pathetic. Tiny drops of water are welling up in my eyes. And now trickling down my cheek. I am yet to sink into the feeling. I still dont believe that he could have said something like that. I wish laptop screeens could shoulder weeping faces!
Maybe I just convince myself that he understands me, when he actually doesnt. Maybe he is the best of all I got. Maybe I just gave him respect in my mind, because I was too busy thinking that he was good. Maybe all the while, it was ME who was giving him the super-power status, because he stayed by me, when no-one else was around my side.
Maybe I am just convincing myself RIGHT NOW, that the lay-off ain’t a big deal.
Introspect: I think I get TOO possessive about people who are close to me. I start to feel that individual decisions are taken after mutual discussion with ME. I have a She-Best-Friend, JabberWock. I get extremely possessive around her too. If someone new infringes in the close circle, threatening MY position, I get all worked up.
I actually give TOO much. Without knowing if they are actually worth it or not.
I also have this VERY BAD quality, that whenever I have a tiff, I try to think of the situation from the other person’s perspective. And I play a mind-game with my own self. Presume that HE is right, and then try to PROVE yourself right. If I successfully convince myself, I stick to my decision. If I don’t find a valid point, I call up and apologize. I have never been ashamed to apologize. It is a learning process. But I guess, it is an act of humiliation more than humility.
I also need to learn HOW TO MOVE ON> I am in serious need. I just cant let go of things at all. What is wrong with me man? I just keep that carry-over quotient on with me. I cant quit my Ex completely, cuz I have been with him for such a long time. I cant quit my organization out of will, cuz this was the place I got my first pay-check. I generally don’t get attached to things, but when I do, I don’t seem to let go.
Third Eye: He just proved his worth. What if it was only me, wanting to hold on?
And this time, ThoughtStorm, don’t make a move. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. You are NOT afraid. You had a point, which was not taken well. Its all in your perspective. Dont keep a dented approach.
Open frame. Vast Horizon. Bloody Heart. Fucked-up mind. Vitriolic temper. Crude callowness. Thats me as I am. Un-edited!
The Wheel of Fortune, turns in my favour
Phew! And I did it! I cleared that major major interview too. The interview was completely fucked up. I started to believe that I need to pack my bags and leave for Bangalore to pursue my Masters in a not-so-well-known place. I even started calculating the finances, the loan, the clothes I would take, the shoes I would wear; when the 16th night, changed my life.
I could’nt believe that it was my name on the list! I was checking and re-checking, if it was the wrong list I was seeing. I called up my ex(btw, he is on a confused status. But for convenience sake,lets call him ex!) and chcked the result, and it had my name. My happiness was not as great as I expected.
It was more of a shock.
I had completely FUCKED up the interview. In the end, the panelists frustrated me. And I gave a hike to political correctness, and gave them MY perspective. Right/Wrong- I never thought. Moreover, it is a minority institution, and still I gave my views on THEIR religion.
There were truckloads f kids, who had a lot of media experience. With fat portfolios. Photography, poetry, animation, cartoon, painting, choreographers- all in one! And look at me, I just have one thing- and that is interest!
I am more excited, cuz I wanted to be one of the top kids who make it here. Because this is NOT a cakewalk. After studying Bachelors in a not-so-good college, I realise the importance of getting to the right place. I want to be in a place, where everyone is SOO good, that I would have to re-invent myself to sustain in the challenging environs.
I want to be on my own. The indepndence. The freedom of thought. The flow of creativity. The taxing of mind. The self-exploration.
Come August, I want to embrace you!
Plug-in: I resumed my BIG BOSS organisation for a month, to earn some extra bucks, cuz I wanna fund my Master’s on my own.
I got a senior preceding me at work. She is sweet, and detailed. I think, I can learn a lot from her.
Someone sent some ’sex chat’ messages to my big boss the other day; and it was NOT me. I really really respect him a LOT. He didnt accuse me or something, but I felt really bad. It was NOT me, cuz at THAT time, I was coffee-ing with Harry. And even if I wasnt, I could never think of BIG B with that eye.
More masala would drop by, as days go by!
CRAWLING FOR SURVIVAL
I am listening to the silence of serenity,
whispering the words of melancholy.
I look around and see no understanding
New questions to answer,
New answers to seek.
Am I in love just to be let down?
Anguish n disgust seem to cover it all.
I want to ride the wings of dreams and soar into the sky.
Dreaming of happiness,
Dreaming of possessions,
None of which, materialistic.
Lacking in eternal understanding.
Nimbling in abstract
Living in nihility.
And subliming in pulverant truth.
Happiness rebounds.
It’s a pungent enthusiasm,
And I wont give up till I have nothing else to give!
W(he)el of Fortune
I dont know, what has brought me so far to come to a cyber cafe just to type a random post. My folks are back in Delhi, and I am still hanging around in Bangalore to give some lousy admission test. I somehow realize, with the increase of physical distance, I am growing closer to them. We (my folks) spend half an hour talking to me, knowing my day, if I have been a good child. If I didn’t trouble Thatha(Grandpa, in Tamil). My friends occasionally call me up, to find out general happenings, and I feel so good. Miles away from home, and still at home.
I just cleared like a major major cool college for my master’s. But that is just the written part. I need to clear the interview. And there are going to be students who are more competent than me. Who know more than me, with heavier portfolios. I am gonna be a mere rat in the race. And this time, the rat wants to speed up in the race. With the passion to outbeat everyone on the way. But is this passion enough?
I am so scared of failure. What if I don’t get through? If I don’t make it? I am anyways jobless, and not clearing the interview will be like a temperory academic fracture. One which would last for an year, till I get the chance again. I have never been afraid of trying, but by not believing in myself, I am trying ‘to fail’. Even if I would not, I am psychologically greasing myself to prepare for the worst. And this is melting away the fire, the passion.
The day someone called me up to tell me that I cleared that particular college, what a sense f jubiliation it was. It was an ‘orgasmic’ high. Literally. Thatha felt like I won ‘Wheel of Fortune’. It was indeed, like the WHEEL of FORTUNE. Luck is giving me the chance to roll the dice, and I need to take the chance. I hope the WHEEL of FORTUNE to the WELL of FORTUNE 
When you really want something, with a pure heart, and you achieve it, makes you feel so good about yourself. It is an ego massage. A chance to prove wrong the ones who thought of me as incapable. A chance to give myself more reasons to love me.
I have never wanted something SOO badly in the past three years. As the Wheel of Fortune has brought me so close to the doors of my destination, I hope it helps me hit BULL’s EYE!
I want to go back home soon, clear the interview and come back to blog about it! I am missing home. The place Where my aspirations lie. Where I thread my dreams. Where I weave my reality!
