What if it was ONLY me, wanting to hold on?
Okay, I dont know on whom to throw this feeling on. I have this he-best-friend, Harry. I have already spoken about him. We really like each other, we enjoy each other’s company; but we are not dating. Because we feel that we are just not meant to be with each other. But the whole WORLD around us, thinks that we are ‘together’. Our acquaintances know each other, our friends know each other. A nice guy to be with. Infact, I speak to him more often than I speak to Ex!
Apparently, I get a little jealous when he gets around with ‘other’ females, and still re-affirms that I still hold the special position. And I believed it is true. Wish words had meaning without actions.
We don’t fight. We don’t need to fight. We amicably resolve things between each other, before the heat builds on. He is someone I don’t need to prove myself to. I can just be me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY respect him. And platonically, love him too.
He has a lot of ego. I dont know, if I could call it un-necessary. So, even if we do have differences, he feels it is against his ego to make the initiative to resolve. And I have given myself OUT and OUT to him. And everytime, I forgot my ego; because HE was more important than an ego massage.
We had a great early-morning conversation today, and when I logged onto my system, I just wrote a casual ’satirical’ mail to him about something very trivial, and told him my perspective on it.
If it were the real him, I knew that he would have taken it as a positive thing. But I guess, the mail back-fired. I guess, this is the longest mail he has ever replied me back with a string of semantics I couldn’t imagine. I fathom if it were HIS fingers that typed that mail. And he deleted me from his list too 
I intended good humour and waxed with logic into my words. I think, its just the way he took it.
It was a very very small thing, that has been blown out of proportion.
The feeling I am going through right now: I feel pathetic. Tiny drops of water are welling up in my eyes. And now trickling down my cheek. I am yet to sink into the feeling. I still dont believe that he could have said something like that. I wish laptop screeens could shoulder weeping faces!
Maybe I just convince myself that he understands me, when he actually doesnt. Maybe he is the best of all I got. Maybe I just gave him respect in my mind, because I was too busy thinking that he was good. Maybe all the while, it was ME who was giving him the super-power status, because he stayed by me, when no-one else was around my side.
Maybe I am just convincing myself RIGHT NOW, that the lay-off ain’t a big deal.
Introspect: I think I get TOO possessive about people who are close to me. I start to feel that individual decisions are taken after mutual discussion with ME. I have a She-Best-Friend, JabberWock. I get extremely possessive around her too. If someone new infringes in the close circle, threatening MY position, I get all worked up.
I actually give TOO much. Without knowing if they are actually worth it or not.
I also have this VERY BAD quality, that whenever I have a tiff, I try to think of the situation from the other person’s perspective. And I play a mind-game with my own self. Presume that HE is right, and then try to PROVE yourself right. If I successfully convince myself, I stick to my decision. If I don’t find a valid point, I call up and apologize. I have never been ashamed to apologize. It is a learning process. But I guess, it is an act of humiliation more than humility.
I also need to learn HOW TO MOVE ON> I am in serious need. I just cant let go of things at all. What is wrong with me man? I just keep that carry-over quotient on with me. I cant quit my Ex completely, cuz I have been with him for such a long time. I cant quit my organization out of will, cuz this was the place I got my first pay-check. I generally don’t get attached to things, but when I do, I don’t seem to let go.
Third Eye: He just proved his worth. What if it was only me, wanting to hold on?
And this time, ThoughtStorm, don’t make a move. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. You are NOT afraid. You had a point, which was not taken well. Its all in your perspective. Dont keep a dented approach.
Open frame. Vast Horizon. Bloody Heart. Fucked-up mind. Vitriolic temper. Crude callowness. Thats me as I am. Un-edited!
