CRAWLING FOR SURVIVAL
I am listening to the silence of serenity,
whispering the words of melancholy.
I look around and see no understanding
New questions to answer,
New answers to seek.
Am I in love just to be let down?
Anguish n disgust seem to cover it all.
I want to ride the wings of dreams and soar into the sky.
Dreaming of happiness,
Dreaming of possessions,
None of which, materialistic.
Lacking in eternal understanding.
Nimbling in abstract
Living in nihility.
And subliming in pulverant truth.
Happiness rebounds.
It’s a pungent enthusiasm,
And I wont give up till I have nothing else to give!
Jab We Net!
This post got triggered as I was in conversation with one of my school pals. ‘Hey chic! I suggest you put your blog into the dead journal.
Me perplexed, ‘What is that?’
‘It is a website where people come and pour their thoughts of how life is a misery, life is a pain! Who think that life is wretched!’
And I burst into laughter! My life is not sad. My life is not boring. Its just that I don’t write, when I am happy. I don’t KNOW what to write when you are happy. When we are sad, there is an amount of depth attached to your feelings. But when you are happy, you are HAPPY. For heaven’s sake, why would one make note of their happiness.
I also realized, that my creativity is provoked only when I am feeling low. When I feel like no-one would understand what I mean to say. That’s when I come and throw my rant on my blog. No-one has the time and patience to listen to what I have got to say, when I am struck with melancholy. I act like a sorrowful mourner when I am depressed, so this is the best place to dump the negativity. And that is why, this space is filled with SAD stuff.
[PLUG-IN: I started to write something, and left my seat to eat chicken momos with a glass of appyfizz, and when I came back to my seat, a new set of thoughts stormed me and I started to scribble something else, and the shape of the post completely changed! So, u will not be able to relate to the part written above and the part written below. So, this plug-in is like a commercial advertisement! Please bear with the inconvenience.]
Rewind back tape: I started to know a guy through the internet like a month back. Sadly, no more details about him, people 
Our messages on a community of a social networking site, turned into one-line scraps. Transformed into e-mails. Longer e-mails. Never heard his voice. Never seen him. But that one-week of communication was really eccentric! The first thing I did once I got up, was check my mail. The last thing I did before going to sleep was to chat with him. He perfectly filled the momentary void. And one fine day, we just stopped talking. I don’t know why? Was it is something I did? Something I didn’t? Something I said?
But my pride, wouldn’t allow me to go and find out what went wrong. I am the make-the-first-move-only-if-it-is-worth-it kinda girl. I don’t mind making the first move, but I don’t like to accept failure specially, when the issue doesn’t bother me too much. On giving a second-thought to a second thought, I guess, I must have pushed it too much too soon.
But the time, I knew him was fun. Mush enhanced to the peak. The sweet-nothings. It was kinda funny. The unpredictable spins the conundrum. He could be a self-obsessed, cleft-tongued sex maniac, wanting to kidnap pretty girls for a ransom; or some bald, ugly, squint-eyed freak! But those are things you don’t bother about, while structuring conversations.
The grey part: Internet friendship is very funny. You don’t know that person, but you know so much about him. The sad part about such ‘friendships’ (if they could be called friendship) is that one could mask a LOT about oneself. Even I could be a buck-teeth chic, who is has a skeleton frame with dark ugly elephant skin with black moles all over my face! I could say that I am some hi-fi girl working with a job-profile that makes me eat, sleep and breathe money. You just tell what YOU want to tell. So, the person on the other end would only get to know that part of you that you presumably reveal. But all is not grey, my friend.
Some of the best friends I have met, were through the internet. Because, we had to have similar interests to pursue our conversations that reach the sms, fone-calls and meetings routine. I believe, the more difficult the medium, the more interesting are the conversations. Things get REAL boring, after we meet-up. There is no mystery to chase!
The black part: When I was just outta school, there was this time when I met this MAN (I call him a man, because I was 17 and he was 29!) just after my school life came to a halt. I had taken a friend along for company. And a bunch of guy pals were standing at the corner of McDonalds to see nothing goes wrong! My friends were very protective of me, that ways. And then, there was this big-sister friend, who SMS’d me after every 15 minutes to know if I was alright.
This MAN was very witty, maybe age rubs in a lot of humor. He asked me to recognize the man in the brick red shirt. Me dressed like a little doll, with my braided hair and green cargos and a black shirt and I soon recognized him. He came closer. He was bald, and whatever hair he had on his scalp was white! He smiled. I saw the gutka-stained teeth. He just didn’t fit the image of the person who spoke to me over the phone. He started to talk. The red-teeth shone on him! Looks don’t matter, presentability does.
After he met me, we still exchanged messages. He said that he liked me. I freaked! There was NO WAY I was going to like him. I feel fetters and manacles when someone expresses the more-than-friendship liking for me. I don’t know how to handle it!
Since then, I have been VERY picky about people whom I talk to. Again, age tells you a lot of things. Now, I am sensible enough to not even converse with some I know I wudnt click.
The white part: But I still say, some of the closest friends, I have in my life, were known through the medium of internet. Anonymous, but genuine people. We got acquainted and had a HUGE group of internet friends.
My Yahoo Messenger days. Aah! We(the huge jing-bang of net buddies) all used to come online at 11 ‘o’ clock. As soon as my dad went to sleep, I would sneak to switch on my system and log onto YM. I used to be the little kiddo hanging around girls and guys of 24. we used to pull all those dick-heads from chatrooms and trip on them! Great fun. I used to bribe myself. If I would finish the chapter on ‘thermodynamics’, I could chat for an hour! And it used to work. Greed is man’s best friend and his biggest enemy too.
I met my dodo ex through the internet. And our friendship has blossomed all the while we have known each other. And I am really lucky to have him in my life. We may not make a good couple, but we do share an awesome chemistry as friends.
Internet friendship is like a global neighbourhood. It just shrinks the world. It is great, but you must need some people to be with you, when you are not in hanging out in the ‘virtual world’. It might kill your boredom. It might engage you with people of similar interests. But there is a lot of difference between face-to-face interactions and chatbox-to-chatbox interactions.
The web is a nice place to crawl around; just make sure you don’t get eaten by the spiders!
The Noise of Silence!
This is like this phenomenon that I have been observing for the past year and a half. I have a best friend, Jabberwock, but she is peanuts about her guy, that she doesn’t have time for me. She has been my best friend since school days, for more than 9 years now. I have a temporary best friend, Harry, of whom I have talked of before, but he seems to be reclining into the background, because I realize that I am putting in more than required to keep our sparks alive.
At any given time in my life, I ALWAYS have one person who is close to me. But as we get acquainted, he starts to fade away in the background, and someone else comes forward. And this phenomenon seems beautifully weaved. (He is a generalization. Even the she’s have betrayed me!)
At every BIG juncture in my life, I have lost friends, who I thought meant really important to me. Just as I was about to finish school, I knew ‘who meant what they really said’. I lost my best friends, due to some stupid misunderstanding and didn’t talk to each other for years. My love for them, transformed into hate. The scenario is that if one of those friends needed some help from me was the only time we have had conversations. But yea, my not-so-close school friends are still people I cherish catching up with. They are few friends, for whom, I would do ANYTHING.
As I am about to finish college, I LOST my college friends. I don’t even want to talk about what went wrong. But the point being that I never made close friends in college, but they were good friends. And as they say, you never miss the water until it’s gone.
Even the most interesting person on this planet, gets timeworn. It’s like playing a video game. You just keep trying harder and harder, till u don’t finish the level, but once u ride through it, it don’t think of investing the same amount of effort again! People too, likewise. Till the time you don’t know a person, u try to be your best self, and once you know each other, the importance slices away.
The time when my college friends started to wither away, I started to realize the importance of people. I know what it friendship means. Now I am very picky about people I go out with.
I also get jittery, if someone invades the close corners of my life, because I assume, like every time, this friendship too, would lose virtue. People, whom I have known over a period of time, retain their place. But when things just happen too fast, culminate that soon. I just don’t want to know new people. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to go away. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to come close to me. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me.
I am in my un-friendly mode off late. I was/am the social butterfly. But I just don’t want to know anyone. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I am in that phase, where I just want to be left alone. Do my own thing. Like I don’t care. Like I don’t bother. Like I shouldn’t bother. I feel lonely in crowds. Silence eases me.
Is there anyone who is hearing this silence?!
Sunday Sickness!
As much as I love Sundays, I hate Sundays. This is the most awaited time of the week. Away from a boring cubicle, away from deadline screeches, away from the mundane life at work. Sundays is generally supposed to be a chill-out day with no worries.
Sunday reminds of getting up in the afternoon, complete the basic morning routine, basking in the sun in the frosty winter temperature of two degrees, speak to your relatives, take the whole bloody day to read every word of the newspaper, sit with mom dad, chat about the week. Then formulate the POA( Plan of Action) for the day. Decide where to hang out. Get Dilbara( my parents adopted third daughter;)) home, have her dressed up, and persuade the three-year old to convince my parents to take us out to any new hang-out zone in the city.
But eventually turns out to be a day, when mom ends up scolding me for not cleaning my room. I love my room when it is in a perpetual mess. With the single-bed that crowns my room, the left corner of the bed stacks the newspapers that are strewn apart after reading. You can find the whole week’s newspapers on the left side corner if it is a Sunday. The right corner of my bed houses the clothes I have adorned me all through the week. Under my bed, lie the shoes that have been worn the entire week!
Every Sunday, the newspapers get thrown into the balcony, and my clothes get thrown into the washing machine. And the semi-automatic bugger is a pain-in-the-ass, specially when the water is freezing cold, and washing clothes is the last thing you would wanna do on a holy-Sunday.
Every Sunday, HBO or Star Movies runs a nice movie, but my mom’s desirable wishes of watching a Tamil movie over-rides my desires. I don’t fucking understand coherent sentences in Tamil. My knowledge of my ‘mother-tongue’ is basic woodworking tools. Just canonic knowledge. Enough to talk to the grocery vendors and auto rickshaw walas. Fuming with rage, I enter my room, and start to watch a movie on my desktop.
And as soon, as I station myself to watch a mush movie, my dad barges into the room, to check his stock share prices. And my sister queues up next to check some stupid study material. And I go sulking in the corner. Its amazinghow everyone wants the same thing when I want it. And me and dad/mom would end up having a verbal encounter when we see each other for a VERY long time. Even if it is just momentary.
And beat this, it happens on every Sunday that I am at home.
Next Sunday on, I will not stay at home man. Away from vex, away from hen-pecking, away from the jade. Aah! I am just like any other teenager who just doesnt like to stay at home.
whiff of fresh air!
Could I have two posts named untitled?!
I wonder how people manage to come up with titles for their post. This time I thought that I shall first construct a title, before I develop my post. What an aleatory concept, wherein I roll the dice and let it take wherever it wants to.
A lot of thoughts rolled into my mind, a day before New Year. A lot of folks called in on the eve to check out what my plans were, and experienced a cardiac tamponade as I told them that I plan to stay at home. Infact, for a moment, even I was surprised. What a sorry life I lead, sitting and watching Star Plus on the eve.
I was supposed to go out for dinner on the day of the New Year, but the plan got royally screwed due to the guy who ditched me at the last moment. But as the new day dawned, I had a list of invitations.
That’s what generally happens to me. Either everyone wants to entertain me, or else no one wants my company. Dene wala jab bhi deta, deta chappad faad ke!
It turned out to be an ‘exes’ day. The first person to wish me New Year’s was my ex. The day started with meeting my first crush. He has grown fat, and I have grown pretty. Or atleast that’s what we think! It was followed with a meeting with my ex. It feels so good to be in someone’s company who really misses you, and treats you like you are the princess of his world. And there is something about the ‘exes friendship’, there is a lot of warmth, care, affection. But no love.
That was about New Year. Check out the lousy service of the Café Coffee Day opposite Taj Palace. Again, bumped across a friend.( it happens to me, wherever I go! Maybe, my friends just hang out in the same places as me.) I got so frustrated with their service, that I actually fumed in rage, as I blasted a few expletives on their manager. I hadn’t ordered for a coffee in the Mesolithic Age that it should be taking him so much time to deliver. I hate waiting. Took a few pictures of me drinking coffee from the straw, but it looks as though I am smoking a cigarette. IRONIC!
I also made a few resolutions this year. Though I am sure, that I aint gonna keep up with any of them.
1. I shall invest myself in a few people, but the right people.
2. I shall not eat so much chicken like I do now.( I just love chicken. Life is so dull without it.)
3. I shall try reading the newspaper everyday. I do that now too, but read till the edit page, atleast.
4. Learn a new word everyday. Religiously doing it for the past 2 months, don’t know if I would be able to retain it.
5. Get serious about work. Been on a fling relationship with work. Shall ‘try’ to come to work on time, and WORK, instead of draining my peanut brain into unwanted stuff like reading on Rabbit Proof Fence(that’s how I spent the entire morning, reading about the release of 24 rabbits in an Australian farm in 1859, which caused an ecological imbalance in the Australian farms)
6. Check out new eating joints in and around Delhi. I have this real crazy thing for eating at new places. Right from the roadside dhaba to the high-end joint.
7. Continue blogging! It doesn’t take me time to think, it takes me time to put them in words. Moreover, all the effort of resolution#2 of learning new words can be put into use only if I write. moreover, i am a novice. i write a post and then ask someone else to edit it before i could publish it. but seems like that guy is frustrated, and i would have to do it myself!
Being single has made me sick for the past few days! So, I did a real crazy thing, but looking out on guys from the Tam Bram community on orkut. I just cant believe, I am that sick. But nothing progressive happening for me. Aah, luck aint just sprinkling any of it on me. But blah, what the heck. I no longer care.
I might go out to check out the new Turquoise Cottage in Vasant Vihar. I have never been there, because I was too young. And when I am old enough to visit some places, I don’t go. I am not a drinker, but I want to check that place out, just for the heck of it. Any takers for TC?!
On retrospection, my blog is becoming a daily diary entry, after a lousy day at work. I need to start writing substance. That is why I am not ballyhooing about my blog. The day I start to writ meaningful stuff, and not just jazz around aimlessly, I might start to spread the word. Till then, its just me and my own world that shall tramp on this page!
Untitled…
I just wanted to write something, before the year ends. And I was unsure of what I wanted to write, due to lack of time. I really dont understand why people are so excited about their New Year post. Does it reflect on the recap of the entire year.
Time runs so swiftly. It doesnt seem long, since i went out for my last New Year bash. Though it wasnt anything great, nonetheless. I met new people all along the way. Lost a few old ones. Found a few Older ones!
I am all charged up to lay soar into my profession with my wings taking me higher and higher. Decided on my goals, dreaming about my dreams.
I turned 19, and now i feel more responsible, than i was earlier. There is a lot of change in who i am, what have i been, what do i need to be. I am off the party phase, i am more of the arty kinda now. I have become a big-time explorer. was kinda of prodigal, dont know if i am, anymore.
My hokum would still wander. Come New Year, i want to embrace you. I want to experience a new beginning, a new hope, a new ambition, a new realisation, a new ME!
circles…
Its been like a few light years, before i logged onto my blog again! and as i went through and saw my previous post, i was kinda amused by my tagline…
khamoshi-ek pal ke liye
and then it is followed by:
yet another weblog on wordpress.com!
what a stunt!
Mere saath khamoshi sirf ek pal tak rehti hai, uske baad to mera muh band hi nahi hota!
Sometimes, i wonder that i really talk a lot, words show who i am. and sometimes, its those very words that inhibit me from expressing myself. I realise, that off lately, i have just stopped socialising myself. Am i suffering from misanthropia?! Its not people, but places that give me a high. i enjoy ‘with’ and ‘without’ people. I dont want to trust anymore for the fear of getting hurt. Things are just slipping away from my hands, and i lay petrified on a smiling carpet. Too much has been happening too fast.
Life seems like coerced now, as if it is being wrung by the hands of fate. Emotions seldom seem to affect me, and i thought i am a sentimental fool! There are very few people in my life, i truly want. And the dichotomy being that ‘they’ dont realise their importance.
I know a lot of people, but they are not friends. I talk to a lot of people, but they still dont know me. and there are people who dont even require words, to know who the real ‘me’ is. i have a huge network, but not a huge circle.
I realise, that wherever i go, any hang-out joint, there is no place where i dont seem to know people. people, people, people, everywhere…a few days back, i went out to watch a movie at noida, and met a college friend. The guy who accompanied me, has often met more friends of mine, than his, cuz everytime we are out, we bump across a few bunch of my folks! And this time, i was like…lets go to NFC, i am sure we wont find folks there, and we could peacefully talk.
We land in NFC, a find a bunch of 10 people out of which i knew only one of them. at any given point of time, every person in the group knew only 2 people, and we just kept proliferating. Someone’s friend, someone’s boyfriend, someone’s brother…people just kept trickling in, and the numbers increased. But i felt so out of place, they were old friends, but not close friends! Maybe, the only reason i had a good time, was because we trace down our friendship in deep annals of time.
Whats the point of knowing so many poeple, when they dont care for you? What is the point of knowing so many heads, when you dont care for them? They are just stagnant entries in your fone-book, and hang-out buddies if you accidently bump across them.
Friends from school are friends for life. Friends from college are friends till college. Friends from office are not friends at all.I was penning down something a few days back, though the thought was triggered by a friend of mine, and i attribute the last lines to ‘jumbo’…
When you are saturated and yet not satisfied,
When you are happy and yet not content
When you have the strength and yet dont want to play
When you are a winner, a winner of losses.
Thats how you make me feel
like a void
that is COMPLETELY FILLED
with ‘nothing’!
