What if it was ONLY me, wanting to hold on?
Okay, I dont know on whom to throw this feeling on. I have this he-best-friend, Harry. I have already spoken about him. We really like each other, we enjoy each other’s company; but we are not dating. Because we feel that we are just not meant to be with each other. But the whole WORLD around us, thinks that we are ‘together’. Our acquaintances know each other, our friends know each other. A nice guy to be with. Infact, I speak to him more often than I speak to Ex!
Apparently, I get a little jealous when he gets around with ‘other’ females, and still re-affirms that I still hold the special position. And I believed it is true. Wish words had meaning without actions.
We don’t fight. We don’t need to fight. We amicably resolve things between each other, before the heat builds on. He is someone I don’t need to prove myself to. I can just be me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY respect him. And platonically, love him too.
He has a lot of ego. I dont know, if I could call it un-necessary. So, even if we do have differences, he feels it is against his ego to make the initiative to resolve. And I have given myself OUT and OUT to him. And everytime, I forgot my ego; because HE was more important than an ego massage.
We had a great early-morning conversation today, and when I logged onto my system, I just wrote a casual ’satirical’ mail to him about something very trivial, and told him my perspective on it.
If it were the real him, I knew that he would have taken it as a positive thing. But I guess, the mail back-fired. I guess, this is the longest mail he has ever replied me back with a string of semantics I couldn’t imagine. I fathom if it were HIS fingers that typed that mail. And he deleted me from his list too 
I intended good humour and waxed with logic into my words. I think, its just the way he took it.
It was a very very small thing, that has been blown out of proportion.
The feeling I am going through right now: I feel pathetic. Tiny drops of water are welling up in my eyes. And now trickling down my cheek. I am yet to sink into the feeling. I still dont believe that he could have said something like that. I wish laptop screeens could shoulder weeping faces!
Maybe I just convince myself that he understands me, when he actually doesnt. Maybe he is the best of all I got. Maybe I just gave him respect in my mind, because I was too busy thinking that he was good. Maybe all the while, it was ME who was giving him the super-power status, because he stayed by me, when no-one else was around my side.
Maybe I am just convincing myself RIGHT NOW, that the lay-off ain’t a big deal.
Introspect: I think I get TOO possessive about people who are close to me. I start to feel that individual decisions are taken after mutual discussion with ME. I have a She-Best-Friend, JabberWock. I get extremely possessive around her too. If someone new infringes in the close circle, threatening MY position, I get all worked up.
I actually give TOO much. Without knowing if they are actually worth it or not.
I also have this VERY BAD quality, that whenever I have a tiff, I try to think of the situation from the other person’s perspective. And I play a mind-game with my own self. Presume that HE is right, and then try to PROVE yourself right. If I successfully convince myself, I stick to my decision. If I don’t find a valid point, I call up and apologize. I have never been ashamed to apologize. It is a learning process. But I guess, it is an act of humiliation more than humility.
I also need to learn HOW TO MOVE ON> I am in serious need. I just cant let go of things at all. What is wrong with me man? I just keep that carry-over quotient on with me. I cant quit my Ex completely, cuz I have been with him for such a long time. I cant quit my organization out of will, cuz this was the place I got my first pay-check. I generally don’t get attached to things, but when I do, I don’t seem to let go.
Third Eye: He just proved his worth. What if it was only me, wanting to hold on?
And this time, ThoughtStorm, don’t make a move. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. You are NOT afraid. You had a point, which was not taken well. Its all in your perspective. Dont keep a dented approach.
Open frame. Vast Horizon. Bloody Heart. Fucked-up mind. Vitriolic temper. Crude callowness. Thats me as I am. Un-edited!
CRAWLING FOR SURVIVAL
I am listening to the silence of serenity,
whispering the words of melancholy.
I look around and see no understanding
New questions to answer,
New answers to seek.
Am I in love just to be let down?
Anguish n disgust seem to cover it all.
I want to ride the wings of dreams and soar into the sky.
Dreaming of happiness,
Dreaming of possessions,
None of which, materialistic.
Lacking in eternal understanding.
Nimbling in abstract
Living in nihility.
And subliming in pulverant truth.
Happiness rebounds.
It’s a pungent enthusiasm,
And I wont give up till I have nothing else to give!
**Trumpets Roll**
Yea, I am stepping into the BIG WORLD of adults. I am no longer gonna be a teenager. I turn twenty tomorrow. I am so EXCITED about this entire idea of no longer being a teenager. And yea, I have a birthday bash planned for this day. Luckily, it’s a Saturday, and I plan to take an off from work, as I have already invited my buddies.
People I know are broadly categorized as-
People in my NETWORK: Includes all people I know through my work, random bump-ins, Meet in the metro, friends of friends of friends!
People in my social circle: It includes people who are hang-out buddies. People I go out for coffees, movies, mundane conversations.
Narrow-margin souls: This includes the entire jing-bang of people whom I treasure close to my heart. Friends I know will be there for me, atleast when I want them to be by my side.
On analyzing my entire year, I have 15 odd people in my ‘social circle’ category. Work doesn’t give you enough time to hang around too much with too many people. So, I started to call in and invite them for a house-party. It started with 15 and now the list has come down to 10! Out of these 10 people, I could die for 5 of them, if needed! People I think would be there, COME WHAT MAY!
Me and Avni were to throw the bash together, but she later backed out. I like birthdays when YOU are the cynosure. When all the focus, attention is just on YOU. So, I guess, it was a good thing. We decided that we shall host a summer fling party. Where people would be dressed in beachy clothes, girls with sunflowers on their ear, guys wearing rajnigandha garlands! With a concoction of MEditarrenean, Oriental and Italian cuisine. With La Bamba in the background! People holding blue curacao mocktails. (Mocktails cuz I don’t consume alcohol, so alcohol won’t come into my house either!)
But once she told me that she was backing out, all the responsibility was on my shoulder. I spoke to my ex and he was willing to cook for all of us. (Mummy, I need to learn how to cook!). I have bought all crazy things for my bedroom. Curtains, bedspreads, Lampshades, u name it and I must have bought it.
Yesterday was grocery shopping day. I was tired of working all day, checking out of work at 6, and then running around in local markets to fetch flowers, decorative showpieces for my house. My ex wasn’t willing to drive me down as he is busy losing weight in the evenings: D So, I persuaded Daddy darling to reserve an evening and drive me down the countryside and keep his fingers on his lips, while he did that!
And what I mistake that was. We went grocery shopping at La Marté and freaking shit! It was SOO expensive. I thought, dad was around and I picked up the best of the best and my basket was filled with foreign brands. Mayonaisse which costs 65 bucks otherwise, costed me a whopping 250 bucks. Curacao Syrup for freaking 425 bucks! An eeny-meeny bottle looked like a shot of tequila. But I readily picked it up thinking dad would foot the bill. After billing my items, I asked dad to bung the money out and he says, that he was the driver for the day, not the cash-bearer. Arghh, I got SOOO pissed! For picking up items and heavily getting rolled up for it! We went to the pastry shop, and I was so annoyed that I ordered the cake myself, and paid up for it and sat into the car while he was searching all around the place.
As we were driving back home, I asked him to drop me by the ATM and I could rope in some cash and shop the rest of my stuff. I strictly warned him that he better not call me before 9:30 cuz I wont be coming home till the time I don’t wrap up my shopping! Dad looking out on one side of the window, and me on the other side. We didn’t see each other and our driver was quietly driving us around. I hastily asked dad to drop me RIGHT THERE and as I opened the door of the car, BHAM! I hit a motorcyclist! And that guy toppled on the road with his bike over him. The doors of the car received a dent. I got down the car and started apologizing to that man.
And he was screaming on TOP of his voice. My dad walked down to intervene and very politely stated that if there is any expenditure to be incurred, he shall readily pay for it. That man was throwing a drama act. He was FINDING for scratches in his body so that he could squeeze some bucks out! A couple of young boys gathered around, who helped the biker get up as they saw my flooded eyes. (After thought, they might have just helped him out, to watch a sexy chic smile back at them! He he!)
Next, when dad asked him to check his bike. When the biker started his bike, it didn’t start. When others did it, the bike started! Poor luck! Dad also apologized, and then the biker and dad exchanged business cards at the accident spot! That was so funny.
And I heavily scurried out of the scene and rushed to the ATM to draw my money. Haven’t confronted dad since then!
I asked my parents to let me be home-alone with my friends. Hope dad doesn’t play party-pooper and spoil my wonderful plan!
Tomorrow will be the D-Day! I am really EXCITED! Would feed in more details after the part is ova!
Keep the trumpets ROLLING!
Tadan!
Happy Birthday To Me!
Jab We Net!
This post got triggered as I was in conversation with one of my school pals. ‘Hey chic! I suggest you put your blog into the dead journal.
Me perplexed, ‘What is that?’
‘It is a website where people come and pour their thoughts of how life is a misery, life is a pain! Who think that life is wretched!’
And I burst into laughter! My life is not sad. My life is not boring. Its just that I don’t write, when I am happy. I don’t KNOW what to write when you are happy. When we are sad, there is an amount of depth attached to your feelings. But when you are happy, you are HAPPY. For heaven’s sake, why would one make note of their happiness.
I also realized, that my creativity is provoked only when I am feeling low. When I feel like no-one would understand what I mean to say. That’s when I come and throw my rant on my blog. No-one has the time and patience to listen to what I have got to say, when I am struck with melancholy. I act like a sorrowful mourner when I am depressed, so this is the best place to dump the negativity. And that is why, this space is filled with SAD stuff.
[PLUG-IN: I started to write something, and left my seat to eat chicken momos with a glass of appyfizz, and when I came back to my seat, a new set of thoughts stormed me and I started to scribble something else, and the shape of the post completely changed! So, u will not be able to relate to the part written above and the part written below. So, this plug-in is like a commercial advertisement! Please bear with the inconvenience.]
Rewind back tape: I started to know a guy through the internet like a month back. Sadly, no more details about him, people 
Our messages on a community of a social networking site, turned into one-line scraps. Transformed into e-mails. Longer e-mails. Never heard his voice. Never seen him. But that one-week of communication was really eccentric! The first thing I did once I got up, was check my mail. The last thing I did before going to sleep was to chat with him. He perfectly filled the momentary void. And one fine day, we just stopped talking. I don’t know why? Was it is something I did? Something I didn’t? Something I said?
But my pride, wouldn’t allow me to go and find out what went wrong. I am the make-the-first-move-only-if-it-is-worth-it kinda girl. I don’t mind making the first move, but I don’t like to accept failure specially, when the issue doesn’t bother me too much. On giving a second-thought to a second thought, I guess, I must have pushed it too much too soon.
But the time, I knew him was fun. Mush enhanced to the peak. The sweet-nothings. It was kinda funny. The unpredictable spins the conundrum. He could be a self-obsessed, cleft-tongued sex maniac, wanting to kidnap pretty girls for a ransom; or some bald, ugly, squint-eyed freak! But those are things you don’t bother about, while structuring conversations.
The grey part: Internet friendship is very funny. You don’t know that person, but you know so much about him. The sad part about such ‘friendships’ (if they could be called friendship) is that one could mask a LOT about oneself. Even I could be a buck-teeth chic, who is has a skeleton frame with dark ugly elephant skin with black moles all over my face! I could say that I am some hi-fi girl working with a job-profile that makes me eat, sleep and breathe money. You just tell what YOU want to tell. So, the person on the other end would only get to know that part of you that you presumably reveal. But all is not grey, my friend.
Some of the best friends I have met, were through the internet. Because, we had to have similar interests to pursue our conversations that reach the sms, fone-calls and meetings routine. I believe, the more difficult the medium, the more interesting are the conversations. Things get REAL boring, after we meet-up. There is no mystery to chase!
The black part: When I was just outta school, there was this time when I met this MAN (I call him a man, because I was 17 and he was 29!) just after my school life came to a halt. I had taken a friend along for company. And a bunch of guy pals were standing at the corner of McDonalds to see nothing goes wrong! My friends were very protective of me, that ways. And then, there was this big-sister friend, who SMS’d me after every 15 minutes to know if I was alright.
This MAN was very witty, maybe age rubs in a lot of humor. He asked me to recognize the man in the brick red shirt. Me dressed like a little doll, with my braided hair and green cargos and a black shirt and I soon recognized him. He came closer. He was bald, and whatever hair he had on his scalp was white! He smiled. I saw the gutka-stained teeth. He just didn’t fit the image of the person who spoke to me over the phone. He started to talk. The red-teeth shone on him! Looks don’t matter, presentability does.
After he met me, we still exchanged messages. He said that he liked me. I freaked! There was NO WAY I was going to like him. I feel fetters and manacles when someone expresses the more-than-friendship liking for me. I don’t know how to handle it!
Since then, I have been VERY picky about people whom I talk to. Again, age tells you a lot of things. Now, I am sensible enough to not even converse with some I know I wudnt click.
The white part: But I still say, some of the closest friends, I have in my life, were known through the medium of internet. Anonymous, but genuine people. We got acquainted and had a HUGE group of internet friends.
My Yahoo Messenger days. Aah! We(the huge jing-bang of net buddies) all used to come online at 11 ‘o’ clock. As soon as my dad went to sleep, I would sneak to switch on my system and log onto YM. I used to be the little kiddo hanging around girls and guys of 24. we used to pull all those dick-heads from chatrooms and trip on them! Great fun. I used to bribe myself. If I would finish the chapter on ‘thermodynamics’, I could chat for an hour! And it used to work. Greed is man’s best friend and his biggest enemy too.
I met my dodo ex through the internet. And our friendship has blossomed all the while we have known each other. And I am really lucky to have him in my life. We may not make a good couple, but we do share an awesome chemistry as friends.
Internet friendship is like a global neighbourhood. It just shrinks the world. It is great, but you must need some people to be with you, when you are not in hanging out in the ‘virtual world’. It might kill your boredom. It might engage you with people of similar interests. But there is a lot of difference between face-to-face interactions and chatbox-to-chatbox interactions.
The web is a nice place to crawl around; just make sure you don’t get eaten by the spiders!
