The Wheel of Fortune, turns in my favour
Phew! And I did it! I cleared that major major interview too. The interview was completely fucked up. I started to believe that I need to pack my bags and leave for Bangalore to pursue my Masters in a not-so-well-known place. I even started calculating the finances, the loan, the clothes I would take, the shoes I would wear; when the 16th night, changed my life.
I could’nt believe that it was my name on the list! I was checking and re-checking, if it was the wrong list I was seeing. I called up my ex(btw, he is on a confused status. But for convenience sake,lets call him ex!) and chcked the result, and it had my name. My happiness was not as great as I expected.
It was more of a shock.
I had completely FUCKED up the interview. In the end, the panelists frustrated me. And I gave a hike to political correctness, and gave them MY perspective. Right/Wrong- I never thought. Moreover, it is a minority institution, and still I gave my views on THEIR religion.
There were truckloads f kids, who had a lot of media experience. With fat portfolios. Photography, poetry, animation, cartoon, painting, choreographers- all in one! And look at me, I just have one thing- and that is interest!
I am more excited, cuz I wanted to be one of the top kids who make it here. Because this is NOT a cakewalk. After studying Bachelors in a not-so-good college, I realise the importance of getting to the right place. I want to be in a place, where everyone is SOO good, that I would have to re-invent myself to sustain in the challenging environs.
I want to be on my own. The indepndence. The freedom of thought. The flow of creativity. The taxing of mind. The self-exploration.
Come August, I want to embrace you!
Plug-in: I resumed my BIG BOSS organisation for a month, to earn some extra bucks, cuz I wanna fund my Master’s on my own.
I got a senior preceding me at work. She is sweet, and detailed. I think, I can learn a lot from her.
Someone sent some ’sex chat’ messages to my big boss the other day; and it was NOT me. I really really respect him a LOT. He didnt accuse me or something, but I felt really bad. It was NOT me, cuz at THAT time, I was coffee-ing with Harry. And even if I wasnt, I could never think of BIG B with that eye.
More masala would drop by, as days go by!
W(he)el of Fortune
I dont know, what has brought me so far to come to a cyber cafe just to type a random post. My folks are back in Delhi, and I am still hanging around in Bangalore to give some lousy admission test. I somehow realize, with the increase of physical distance, I am growing closer to them. We (my folks) spend half an hour talking to me, knowing my day, if I have been a good child. If I didn’t trouble Thatha(Grandpa, in Tamil). My friends occasionally call me up, to find out general happenings, and I feel so good. Miles away from home, and still at home.
I just cleared like a major major cool college for my master’s. But that is just the written part. I need to clear the interview. And there are going to be students who are more competent than me. Who know more than me, with heavier portfolios. I am gonna be a mere rat in the race. And this time, the rat wants to speed up in the race. With the passion to outbeat everyone on the way. But is this passion enough?
I am so scared of failure. What if I don’t get through? If I don’t make it? I am anyways jobless, and not clearing the interview will be like a temperory academic fracture. One which would last for an year, till I get the chance again. I have never been afraid of trying, but by not believing in myself, I am trying ‘to fail’. Even if I would not, I am psychologically greasing myself to prepare for the worst. And this is melting away the fire, the passion.
The day someone called me up to tell me that I cleared that particular college, what a sense f jubiliation it was. It was an ‘orgasmic’ high. Literally. Thatha felt like I won ‘Wheel of Fortune’. It was indeed, like the WHEEL of FORTUNE. Luck is giving me the chance to roll the dice, and I need to take the chance. I hope the WHEEL of FORTUNE to the WELL of FORTUNE 
When you really want something, with a pure heart, and you achieve it, makes you feel so good about yourself. It is an ego massage. A chance to prove wrong the ones who thought of me as incapable. A chance to give myself more reasons to love me.
I have never wanted something SOO badly in the past three years. As the Wheel of Fortune has brought me so close to the doors of my destination, I hope it helps me hit BULL’s EYE!
I want to go back home soon, clear the interview and come back to blog about it! I am missing home. The place Where my aspirations lie. Where I thread my dreams. Where I weave my reality!
Boondoggling with Slop!
Today was an ultra-waste day in the chapter of my life. Where I spent the whole day doing NOTHING substantial. Squandering on barrenland. The newspaper didn’t come early in the morning. Went all around my locality in a cycle-rickshaw and spent 20 rupees to find a newspaper worth 2.50 rupees , and couldn’t find the one I wanted, The Hindu. Had to resort to the TOI. I get so bored reading the advertisements that I never get to reach till the edit page. TOI is a broadsheet tabloid! I sound like a pseudo-intellectual wanting to grasp all the knowledge of the world in the next two months.
**I have a very strange attitude, that whenever I am pissed off, I just rush to my Sify Internet Connection Wala and blow all my anger out on him for his stupid super-slow lousy connection whose wires cant beat the dust, wind and rain; and locomote erraticallyu. So as usual, I was feeling irritated in the afternoon, so took all my rage and threw it on that idiot. It relieves me soo much. Some shani-raashi (evil omen) on my poor net wala and cable wala’s destiny. They are always on the receving end of my wrath everytime they come to my place for their payment.
**I am pretty short. And I don’t know how to carry myself in heels. I have a pair of super sexy slender white heels lying in my shoe-rack that has never seen the light of the day. So I wore them and walked in them all around my house with Freedom Struggle notes in my hand, so that the next Saturday Evening get-together plan, I would look as tall as the boys! I tripped and fell and fractured one leg my my limping dining table.A Mayawati wanting to be Madonna.
**Anyways, coming to THE spoiler. My sister and me ended up singing together. Actually I was singing, and she was mocking on me! With hindilyrix.com on the comp screen and the songs blaring in the background with me pretending to be Ashlee Simpson of the Bollywood World. Husky voices echoing within the walls of my room. My sister surreptitiously recorded my voice and was making me witness the flashback. Boy Oh Boy! I sound like a C-grade version of Ila Arun. And I was trying to sing female versions of Himmesh Reshammiya tracks. I spent two hours downloading his music to see if I could compete him. This is what happens when studies bore you.
**That’s not it. Tired of our singing renditions, my mom called us to watch TV. Some IPL related programme on CNN-IBN. The host of the programme was Meha Bharadwaj. I am fascinated by her pout. When she speaks, I just love to notice her lips. They just standout. Since my braces are out, I decided to stand in front of the mirror and practice pouting! My sister said that she could rate me on a duckling-o-meter, cuz that’s how I look when I pout, like a DUCKLING!
In conversation with Retardo Man, I was telling him that I could make him my brother, from today on. Spat comes the reply, ‘If God wanted me to be a brother to you, then why didn’t he make me the son of your mother?!’
I am on a 12-week break from work. I wonder which organization gives so much of liberty to little kids. I just kept sleeping with my notes today(like every other day). I want some freedom from the ‘Freedom Struggle’. The readings of Homer Dixon are yelping for some attention. The Frontline issue wants to feel my fingerprints. But all those souls aint getting lucky. Off I go to complete my holiday mood sleep of 12 hours. Adios!
Update: Birthday was real FUN. I just LOVE the feeling of people tinking you at midnight, each wanting to be the first one to wish you. Had a close bunch of friends come over. My ex cooked for us. I looked horrid on my birthday. It seemed as if the other chics were the birthday girls in their strappy Lifestyle tops and bold FabIndia kurtas. I didn’t buy anything special for myself. All my savings were blown up in the La Marte shopping for grocery!
Played cards, my ex won consecutively in BLUFF. I wonder if he has been bullshitting me all this while. But Blah! It’s just a game. Atleast that’s how I consoled myself. We made lots of chicken, in inappropriate quantities. And because my parents don’t approve of chicken, I had to do 20-plate dishwashing before they entered home. That was a CRAZY time. Had to clean the kitchen thoroughly. Burnt 7 incense sticks to rid the smell. Never spent so much time in the kitchen ever before.
Apart from the usual routine gifts of flowers, chocolates, cards, I got some bizarre gifts like a beauty book on ‘How to keep Yourself Stylish!’. A book on beauty ‘secrets’, how to keep your skin glowing and maintain the fuzz filaments on your scalp! I am in desperate need of mane-care. Another friend of mine gifted me Olive Oil on my birthday! I wonder what the idea behind that was.
Being 20 has just got me some lectures. On how I am a BIG girl now. And I am supposed to act responsible. Learn how to cook or else I wouldn’t get a Tamil Brahmin Iyer husband for myself who would not divorce me within a year of marriage. On how some things are not good no matter how cool they look! Lectures, lectures, lectures. But, I guess they are fun in a way.
Plug-In: I realized that my posts are random in nature. But that’s because ten different things run on my mind at the same time. And my short-term amnesia reminds me to throw all of them on Microsoft Word before I forget about it, and hence the randomness.
Jab We Net!
This post got triggered as I was in conversation with one of my school pals. ‘Hey chic! I suggest you put your blog into the dead journal.
Me perplexed, ‘What is that?’
‘It is a website where people come and pour their thoughts of how life is a misery, life is a pain! Who think that life is wretched!’
And I burst into laughter! My life is not sad. My life is not boring. Its just that I don’t write, when I am happy. I don’t KNOW what to write when you are happy. When we are sad, there is an amount of depth attached to your feelings. But when you are happy, you are HAPPY. For heaven’s sake, why would one make note of their happiness.
I also realized, that my creativity is provoked only when I am feeling low. When I feel like no-one would understand what I mean to say. That’s when I come and throw my rant on my blog. No-one has the time and patience to listen to what I have got to say, when I am struck with melancholy. I act like a sorrowful mourner when I am depressed, so this is the best place to dump the negativity. And that is why, this space is filled with SAD stuff.
[PLUG-IN: I started to write something, and left my seat to eat chicken momos with a glass of appyfizz, and when I came back to my seat, a new set of thoughts stormed me and I started to scribble something else, and the shape of the post completely changed! So, u will not be able to relate to the part written above and the part written below. So, this plug-in is like a commercial advertisement! Please bear with the inconvenience.]
Rewind back tape: I started to know a guy through the internet like a month back. Sadly, no more details about him, people 
Our messages on a community of a social networking site, turned into one-line scraps. Transformed into e-mails. Longer e-mails. Never heard his voice. Never seen him. But that one-week of communication was really eccentric! The first thing I did once I got up, was check my mail. The last thing I did before going to sleep was to chat with him. He perfectly filled the momentary void. And one fine day, we just stopped talking. I don’t know why? Was it is something I did? Something I didn’t? Something I said?
But my pride, wouldn’t allow me to go and find out what went wrong. I am the make-the-first-move-only-if-it-is-worth-it kinda girl. I don’t mind making the first move, but I don’t like to accept failure specially, when the issue doesn’t bother me too much. On giving a second-thought to a second thought, I guess, I must have pushed it too much too soon.
But the time, I knew him was fun. Mush enhanced to the peak. The sweet-nothings. It was kinda funny. The unpredictable spins the conundrum. He could be a self-obsessed, cleft-tongued sex maniac, wanting to kidnap pretty girls for a ransom; or some bald, ugly, squint-eyed freak! But those are things you don’t bother about, while structuring conversations.
The grey part: Internet friendship is very funny. You don’t know that person, but you know so much about him. The sad part about such ‘friendships’ (if they could be called friendship) is that one could mask a LOT about oneself. Even I could be a buck-teeth chic, who is has a skeleton frame with dark ugly elephant skin with black moles all over my face! I could say that I am some hi-fi girl working with a job-profile that makes me eat, sleep and breathe money. You just tell what YOU want to tell. So, the person on the other end would only get to know that part of you that you presumably reveal. But all is not grey, my friend.
Some of the best friends I have met, were through the internet. Because, we had to have similar interests to pursue our conversations that reach the sms, fone-calls and meetings routine. I believe, the more difficult the medium, the more interesting are the conversations. Things get REAL boring, after we meet-up. There is no mystery to chase!
The black part: When I was just outta school, there was this time when I met this MAN (I call him a man, because I was 17 and he was 29!) just after my school life came to a halt. I had taken a friend along for company. And a bunch of guy pals were standing at the corner of McDonalds to see nothing goes wrong! My friends were very protective of me, that ways. And then, there was this big-sister friend, who SMS’d me after every 15 minutes to know if I was alright.
This MAN was very witty, maybe age rubs in a lot of humor. He asked me to recognize the man in the brick red shirt. Me dressed like a little doll, with my braided hair and green cargos and a black shirt and I soon recognized him. He came closer. He was bald, and whatever hair he had on his scalp was white! He smiled. I saw the gutka-stained teeth. He just didn’t fit the image of the person who spoke to me over the phone. He started to talk. The red-teeth shone on him! Looks don’t matter, presentability does.
After he met me, we still exchanged messages. He said that he liked me. I freaked! There was NO WAY I was going to like him. I feel fetters and manacles when someone expresses the more-than-friendship liking for me. I don’t know how to handle it!
Since then, I have been VERY picky about people whom I talk to. Again, age tells you a lot of things. Now, I am sensible enough to not even converse with some I know I wudnt click.
The white part: But I still say, some of the closest friends, I have in my life, were known through the medium of internet. Anonymous, but genuine people. We got acquainted and had a HUGE group of internet friends.
My Yahoo Messenger days. Aah! We(the huge jing-bang of net buddies) all used to come online at 11 ‘o’ clock. As soon as my dad went to sleep, I would sneak to switch on my system and log onto YM. I used to be the little kiddo hanging around girls and guys of 24. we used to pull all those dick-heads from chatrooms and trip on them! Great fun. I used to bribe myself. If I would finish the chapter on ‘thermodynamics’, I could chat for an hour! And it used to work. Greed is man’s best friend and his biggest enemy too.
I met my dodo ex through the internet. And our friendship has blossomed all the while we have known each other. And I am really lucky to have him in my life. We may not make a good couple, but we do share an awesome chemistry as friends.
Internet friendship is like a global neighbourhood. It just shrinks the world. It is great, but you must need some people to be with you, when you are not in hanging out in the ‘virtual world’. It might kill your boredom. It might engage you with people of similar interests. But there is a lot of difference between face-to-face interactions and chatbox-to-chatbox interactions.
The web is a nice place to crawl around; just make sure you don’t get eaten by the spiders!
The Noise of Silence!
This is like this phenomenon that I have been observing for the past year and a half. I have a best friend, Jabberwock, but she is peanuts about her guy, that she doesn’t have time for me. She has been my best friend since school days, for more than 9 years now. I have a temporary best friend, Harry, of whom I have talked of before, but he seems to be reclining into the background, because I realize that I am putting in more than required to keep our sparks alive.
At any given time in my life, I ALWAYS have one person who is close to me. But as we get acquainted, he starts to fade away in the background, and someone else comes forward. And this phenomenon seems beautifully weaved. (He is a generalization. Even the she’s have betrayed me!)
At every BIG juncture in my life, I have lost friends, who I thought meant really important to me. Just as I was about to finish school, I knew ‘who meant what they really said’. I lost my best friends, due to some stupid misunderstanding and didn’t talk to each other for years. My love for them, transformed into hate. The scenario is that if one of those friends needed some help from me was the only time we have had conversations. But yea, my not-so-close school friends are still people I cherish catching up with. They are few friends, for whom, I would do ANYTHING.
As I am about to finish college, I LOST my college friends. I don’t even want to talk about what went wrong. But the point being that I never made close friends in college, but they were good friends. And as they say, you never miss the water until it’s gone.
Even the most interesting person on this planet, gets timeworn. It’s like playing a video game. You just keep trying harder and harder, till u don’t finish the level, but once u ride through it, it don’t think of investing the same amount of effort again! People too, likewise. Till the time you don’t know a person, u try to be your best self, and once you know each other, the importance slices away.
The time when my college friends started to wither away, I started to realize the importance of people. I know what it friendship means. Now I am very picky about people I go out with.
I also get jittery, if someone invades the close corners of my life, because I assume, like every time, this friendship too, would lose virtue. People, whom I have known over a period of time, retain their place. But when things just happen too fast, culminate that soon. I just don’t want to know new people. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to go away. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to come close to me. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me.
I am in my un-friendly mode off late. I was/am the social butterfly. But I just don’t want to know anyone. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I am in that phase, where I just want to be left alone. Do my own thing. Like I don’t care. Like I don’t bother. Like I shouldn’t bother. I feel lonely in crowds. Silence eases me.
Is there anyone who is hearing this silence?!
my blog needs a doctor!
Man! this blogging thingy is fretting me now. I kind of hate WordPress now. I bloody waste an hour of my working schedule, to construct a post, just to know that bloody WordPress foils my decent efforts by playing physically repellant games with me, by fucking with the spacing and numbering. Anyways no one reads my smutty posts, and if this phenomenon continues, I shall resort to my good old ‘free-from-anxiety’, hassle-free methodology of e-mailing my own self to track record my expansive thoughts.
I had this perception in my mind, that blogging is an amateur’s night-cap at writing. But this activity needs a lot more than creative brains. It’s a double-header ring-a-rosy affair, where I keep trying harder and harder, till I need to give my user name and password to someone who could make the requisite amendments. If this situation persists, I might give up the 7th clause of the New Year Resolution to continue blogging.
WordPress is making me gimpy! Crippling my desire to write. The technicalities are too much for a layman like me. Infact, anything that can’t be done by me on the web world, cannot be done by anyone. My thinking pattern is obtuse; I have a strangulated arena of knowledge and my cosmic universe is limited to the stamping quadrant.
With this of writing, and injured presentation, I would not even read my own posts. But, my horro’r’scope asked to keep a lot of patience this week and for its sake, shall have something fixed up soon. Guess, would read the Help section through and through, because someday, u got to learn to do stuff by your own. Not everything in life can be out-sourced. Nor do things come with user-manuals-for nitwit brains!
Resolution for the week: I shall furbish up my impaired blog. At least I shall try!
circles…
Its been like a few light years, before i logged onto my blog again! and as i went through and saw my previous post, i was kinda amused by my tagline…
khamoshi-ek pal ke liye
and then it is followed by:
yet another weblog on wordpress.com!
what a stunt!
Mere saath khamoshi sirf ek pal tak rehti hai, uske baad to mera muh band hi nahi hota!
Sometimes, i wonder that i really talk a lot, words show who i am. and sometimes, its those very words that inhibit me from expressing myself. I realise, that off lately, i have just stopped socialising myself. Am i suffering from misanthropia?! Its not people, but places that give me a high. i enjoy ‘with’ and ‘without’ people. I dont want to trust anymore for the fear of getting hurt. Things are just slipping away from my hands, and i lay petrified on a smiling carpet. Too much has been happening too fast.
Life seems like coerced now, as if it is being wrung by the hands of fate. Emotions seldom seem to affect me, and i thought i am a sentimental fool! There are very few people in my life, i truly want. And the dichotomy being that ‘they’ dont realise their importance.
I know a lot of people, but they are not friends. I talk to a lot of people, but they still dont know me. and there are people who dont even require words, to know who the real ‘me’ is. i have a huge network, but not a huge circle.
I realise, that wherever i go, any hang-out joint, there is no place where i dont seem to know people. people, people, people, everywhere…a few days back, i went out to watch a movie at noida, and met a college friend. The guy who accompanied me, has often met more friends of mine, than his, cuz everytime we are out, we bump across a few bunch of my folks! And this time, i was like…lets go to NFC, i am sure we wont find folks there, and we could peacefully talk.
We land in NFC, a find a bunch of 10 people out of which i knew only one of them. at any given point of time, every person in the group knew only 2 people, and we just kept proliferating. Someone’s friend, someone’s boyfriend, someone’s brother…people just kept trickling in, and the numbers increased. But i felt so out of place, they were old friends, but not close friends! Maybe, the only reason i had a good time, was because we trace down our friendship in deep annals of time.
Whats the point of knowing so many poeple, when they dont care for you? What is the point of knowing so many heads, when you dont care for them? They are just stagnant entries in your fone-book, and hang-out buddies if you accidently bump across them.
Friends from school are friends for life. Friends from college are friends till college. Friends from office are not friends at all.I was penning down something a few days back, though the thought was triggered by a friend of mine, and i attribute the last lines to ‘jumbo’…
When you are saturated and yet not satisfied,
When you are happy and yet not content
When you have the strength and yet dont want to play
When you are a winner, a winner of losses.
Thats how you make me feel
like a void
that is COMPLETELY FILLED
with ‘nothing’!
