Amused…
I sit and stare in front of my computer screen and the words don’t come to me. I think and think and think, for the stroke of thought to hit me–it doesn’t happen.
Since morning, I have been wanting to write a story and I faced the writer’s block. The deadline nears, and then I read a 1000 takes on the subject that I am writing on. I get ‘inspired’ by them, and try to show off my vocabulary and file the story and immediately send it to my editor.
Now, thats what happens, when you dont do things from your heart–you fail!
I just choreographed a few words into sentences. Sentences into paragraphs. And made them into one coherent essay. They did not make sense.I just wanted to wrap it up as soon as possible. I was not into it.
Am I really meant to be a features writer? Why do I have to search for words and then write? Why doesn’t it just come to me naturally? I just take the laptop on my lap and the fingers just dance on my keyboard. Like right now! Why dont I face the writer’s block when I blog? Or when I write about things I feel?
(To be Updated)
I need to finish the story that led to this post. After I wrap that up, I shall come back to write about the ’selective Writers Block’ I experience, every now and then! And it happens only at work!
Update: The post above was just a one hour thought! Justa figment of my imagination. Nothing to bother about seriously!
What if it was ONLY me, wanting to hold on?
Okay, I dont know on whom to throw this feeling on. I have this he-best-friend, Harry. I have already spoken about him. We really like each other, we enjoy each other’s company; but we are not dating. Because we feel that we are just not meant to be with each other. But the whole WORLD around us, thinks that we are ‘together’. Our acquaintances know each other, our friends know each other. A nice guy to be with. Infact, I speak to him more often than I speak to Ex!
Apparently, I get a little jealous when he gets around with ‘other’ females, and still re-affirms that I still hold the special position. And I believed it is true. Wish words had meaning without actions.
We don’t fight. We don’t need to fight. We amicably resolve things between each other, before the heat builds on. He is someone I don’t need to prove myself to. I can just be me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY respect him. And platonically, love him too.
He has a lot of ego. I dont know, if I could call it un-necessary. So, even if we do have differences, he feels it is against his ego to make the initiative to resolve. And I have given myself OUT and OUT to him. And everytime, I forgot my ego; because HE was more important than an ego massage.
We had a great early-morning conversation today, and when I logged onto my system, I just wrote a casual ’satirical’ mail to him about something very trivial, and told him my perspective on it.
If it were the real him, I knew that he would have taken it as a positive thing. But I guess, the mail back-fired. I guess, this is the longest mail he has ever replied me back with a string of semantics I couldn’t imagine. I fathom if it were HIS fingers that typed that mail. And he deleted me from his list too 
I intended good humour and waxed with logic into my words. I think, its just the way he took it.
It was a very very small thing, that has been blown out of proportion.
The feeling I am going through right now: I feel pathetic. Tiny drops of water are welling up in my eyes. And now trickling down my cheek. I am yet to sink into the feeling. I still dont believe that he could have said something like that. I wish laptop screeens could shoulder weeping faces!
Maybe I just convince myself that he understands me, when he actually doesnt. Maybe he is the best of all I got. Maybe I just gave him respect in my mind, because I was too busy thinking that he was good. Maybe all the while, it was ME who was giving him the super-power status, because he stayed by me, when no-one else was around my side.
Maybe I am just convincing myself RIGHT NOW, that the lay-off ain’t a big deal.
Introspect: I think I get TOO possessive about people who are close to me. I start to feel that individual decisions are taken after mutual discussion with ME. I have a She-Best-Friend, JabberWock. I get extremely possessive around her too. If someone new infringes in the close circle, threatening MY position, I get all worked up.
I actually give TOO much. Without knowing if they are actually worth it or not.
I also have this VERY BAD quality, that whenever I have a tiff, I try to think of the situation from the other person’s perspective. And I play a mind-game with my own self. Presume that HE is right, and then try to PROVE yourself right. If I successfully convince myself, I stick to my decision. If I don’t find a valid point, I call up and apologize. I have never been ashamed to apologize. It is a learning process. But I guess, it is an act of humiliation more than humility.
I also need to learn HOW TO MOVE ON> I am in serious need. I just cant let go of things at all. What is wrong with me man? I just keep that carry-over quotient on with me. I cant quit my Ex completely, cuz I have been with him for such a long time. I cant quit my organization out of will, cuz this was the place I got my first pay-check. I generally don’t get attached to things, but when I do, I don’t seem to let go.
Third Eye: He just proved his worth. What if it was only me, wanting to hold on?
And this time, ThoughtStorm, don’t make a move. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. You are NOT afraid. You had a point, which was not taken well. Its all in your perspective. Dont keep a dented approach.
Open frame. Vast Horizon. Bloody Heart. Fucked-up mind. Vitriolic temper. Crude callowness. Thats me as I am. Un-edited!
CRAWLING FOR SURVIVAL
I am listening to the silence of serenity,
whispering the words of melancholy.
I look around and see no understanding
New questions to answer,
New answers to seek.
Am I in love just to be let down?
Anguish n disgust seem to cover it all.
I want to ride the wings of dreams and soar into the sky.
Dreaming of happiness,
Dreaming of possessions,
None of which, materialistic.
Lacking in eternal understanding.
Nimbling in abstract
Living in nihility.
And subliming in pulverant truth.
Happiness rebounds.
It’s a pungent enthusiasm,
And I wont give up till I have nothing else to give!
W(he)el of Fortune
I dont know, what has brought me so far to come to a cyber cafe just to type a random post. My folks are back in Delhi, and I am still hanging around in Bangalore to give some lousy admission test. I somehow realize, with the increase of physical distance, I am growing closer to them. We (my folks) spend half an hour talking to me, knowing my day, if I have been a good child. If I didn’t trouble Thatha(Grandpa, in Tamil). My friends occasionally call me up, to find out general happenings, and I feel so good. Miles away from home, and still at home.
I just cleared like a major major cool college for my master’s. But that is just the written part. I need to clear the interview. And there are going to be students who are more competent than me. Who know more than me, with heavier portfolios. I am gonna be a mere rat in the race. And this time, the rat wants to speed up in the race. With the passion to outbeat everyone on the way. But is this passion enough?
I am so scared of failure. What if I don’t get through? If I don’t make it? I am anyways jobless, and not clearing the interview will be like a temperory academic fracture. One which would last for an year, till I get the chance again. I have never been afraid of trying, but by not believing in myself, I am trying ‘to fail’. Even if I would not, I am psychologically greasing myself to prepare for the worst. And this is melting away the fire, the passion.
The day someone called me up to tell me that I cleared that particular college, what a sense f jubiliation it was. It was an ‘orgasmic’ high. Literally. Thatha felt like I won ‘Wheel of Fortune’. It was indeed, like the WHEEL of FORTUNE. Luck is giving me the chance to roll the dice, and I need to take the chance. I hope the WHEEL of FORTUNE to the WELL of FORTUNE 
When you really want something, with a pure heart, and you achieve it, makes you feel so good about yourself. It is an ego massage. A chance to prove wrong the ones who thought of me as incapable. A chance to give myself more reasons to love me.
I have never wanted something SOO badly in the past three years. As the Wheel of Fortune has brought me so close to the doors of my destination, I hope it helps me hit BULL’s EYE!
I want to go back home soon, clear the interview and come back to blog about it! I am missing home. The place Where my aspirations lie. Where I thread my dreams. Where I weave my reality!
**Trumpets Roll**
Yea, I am stepping into the BIG WORLD of adults. I am no longer gonna be a teenager. I turn twenty tomorrow. I am so EXCITED about this entire idea of no longer being a teenager. And yea, I have a birthday bash planned for this day. Luckily, it’s a Saturday, and I plan to take an off from work, as I have already invited my buddies.
People I know are broadly categorized as-
People in my NETWORK: Includes all people I know through my work, random bump-ins, Meet in the metro, friends of friends of friends!
People in my social circle: It includes people who are hang-out buddies. People I go out for coffees, movies, mundane conversations.
Narrow-margin souls: This includes the entire jing-bang of people whom I treasure close to my heart. Friends I know will be there for me, atleast when I want them to be by my side.
On analyzing my entire year, I have 15 odd people in my ‘social circle’ category. Work doesn’t give you enough time to hang around too much with too many people. So, I started to call in and invite them for a house-party. It started with 15 and now the list has come down to 10! Out of these 10 people, I could die for 5 of them, if needed! People I think would be there, COME WHAT MAY!
Me and Avni were to throw the bash together, but she later backed out. I like birthdays when YOU are the cynosure. When all the focus, attention is just on YOU. So, I guess, it was a good thing. We decided that we shall host a summer fling party. Where people would be dressed in beachy clothes, girls with sunflowers on their ear, guys wearing rajnigandha garlands! With a concoction of MEditarrenean, Oriental and Italian cuisine. With La Bamba in the background! People holding blue curacao mocktails. (Mocktails cuz I don’t consume alcohol, so alcohol won’t come into my house either!)
But once she told me that she was backing out, all the responsibility was on my shoulder. I spoke to my ex and he was willing to cook for all of us. (Mummy, I need to learn how to cook!). I have bought all crazy things for my bedroom. Curtains, bedspreads, Lampshades, u name it and I must have bought it.
Yesterday was grocery shopping day. I was tired of working all day, checking out of work at 6, and then running around in local markets to fetch flowers, decorative showpieces for my house. My ex wasn’t willing to drive me down as he is busy losing weight in the evenings: D So, I persuaded Daddy darling to reserve an evening and drive me down the countryside and keep his fingers on his lips, while he did that!
And what I mistake that was. We went grocery shopping at La Marté and freaking shit! It was SOO expensive. I thought, dad was around and I picked up the best of the best and my basket was filled with foreign brands. Mayonaisse which costs 65 bucks otherwise, costed me a whopping 250 bucks. Curacao Syrup for freaking 425 bucks! An eeny-meeny bottle looked like a shot of tequila. But I readily picked it up thinking dad would foot the bill. After billing my items, I asked dad to bung the money out and he says, that he was the driver for the day, not the cash-bearer. Arghh, I got SOOO pissed! For picking up items and heavily getting rolled up for it! We went to the pastry shop, and I was so annoyed that I ordered the cake myself, and paid up for it and sat into the car while he was searching all around the place.
As we were driving back home, I asked him to drop me by the ATM and I could rope in some cash and shop the rest of my stuff. I strictly warned him that he better not call me before 9:30 cuz I wont be coming home till the time I don’t wrap up my shopping! Dad looking out on one side of the window, and me on the other side. We didn’t see each other and our driver was quietly driving us around. I hastily asked dad to drop me RIGHT THERE and as I opened the door of the car, BHAM! I hit a motorcyclist! And that guy toppled on the road with his bike over him. The doors of the car received a dent. I got down the car and started apologizing to that man.
And he was screaming on TOP of his voice. My dad walked down to intervene and very politely stated that if there is any expenditure to be incurred, he shall readily pay for it. That man was throwing a drama act. He was FINDING for scratches in his body so that he could squeeze some bucks out! A couple of young boys gathered around, who helped the biker get up as they saw my flooded eyes. (After thought, they might have just helped him out, to watch a sexy chic smile back at them! He he!)
Next, when dad asked him to check his bike. When the biker started his bike, it didn’t start. When others did it, the bike started! Poor luck! Dad also apologized, and then the biker and dad exchanged business cards at the accident spot! That was so funny.
And I heavily scurried out of the scene and rushed to the ATM to draw my money. Haven’t confronted dad since then!
I asked my parents to let me be home-alone with my friends. Hope dad doesn’t play party-pooper and spoil my wonderful plan!
Tomorrow will be the D-Day! I am really EXCITED! Would feed in more details after the part is ova!
Keep the trumpets ROLLING!
Tadan!
Happy Birthday To Me!
The Noise of Silence!
This is like this phenomenon that I have been observing for the past year and a half. I have a best friend, Jabberwock, but she is peanuts about her guy, that she doesn’t have time for me. She has been my best friend since school days, for more than 9 years now. I have a temporary best friend, Harry, of whom I have talked of before, but he seems to be reclining into the background, because I realize that I am putting in more than required to keep our sparks alive.
At any given time in my life, I ALWAYS have one person who is close to me. But as we get acquainted, he starts to fade away in the background, and someone else comes forward. And this phenomenon seems beautifully weaved. (He is a generalization. Even the she’s have betrayed me!)
At every BIG juncture in my life, I have lost friends, who I thought meant really important to me. Just as I was about to finish school, I knew ‘who meant what they really said’. I lost my best friends, due to some stupid misunderstanding and didn’t talk to each other for years. My love for them, transformed into hate. The scenario is that if one of those friends needed some help from me was the only time we have had conversations. But yea, my not-so-close school friends are still people I cherish catching up with. They are few friends, for whom, I would do ANYTHING.
As I am about to finish college, I LOST my college friends. I don’t even want to talk about what went wrong. But the point being that I never made close friends in college, but they were good friends. And as they say, you never miss the water until it’s gone.
Even the most interesting person on this planet, gets timeworn. It’s like playing a video game. You just keep trying harder and harder, till u don’t finish the level, but once u ride through it, it don’t think of investing the same amount of effort again! People too, likewise. Till the time you don’t know a person, u try to be your best self, and once you know each other, the importance slices away.
The time when my college friends started to wither away, I started to realize the importance of people. I know what it friendship means. Now I am very picky about people I go out with.
I also get jittery, if someone invades the close corners of my life, because I assume, like every time, this friendship too, would lose virtue. People, whom I have known over a period of time, retain their place. But when things just happen too fast, culminate that soon. I just don’t want to know new people. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to go away. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to come close to me. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me.
I am in my un-friendly mode off late. I was/am the social butterfly. But I just don’t want to know anyone. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I am in that phase, where I just want to be left alone. Do my own thing. Like I don’t care. Like I don’t bother. Like I shouldn’t bother. I feel lonely in crowds. Silence eases me.
Is there anyone who is hearing this silence?!
An Honest Testimony
This weekend was the alternate long weekend. As usual, went out, had fun! A trip to the bookfair, with my boss’s wife, Surajkund Mela with Dorky with an extensive photography session, and a lousy Sunday with movie watching and gearing myself for Monday morning blues. But this post is not about what I did.
My mum had just started working with a publishing house and edits books for them. She has never worked in an organization and it’s only lately, 4 months, to be precise, that she thought that now the time is ripe to leave her daughters to themselves and start to work. For all these years, mum religiously got up to make food, pack us to school, wait for us to come back, feed us with lunch, make us sleep, send us to tuitions, teach tuitions herself, then start cooking dinner and spend the night watching saas bahu serials!
It was a mundane routine that she followed. I went to the book fair and as I was rambling around, I serendipitously struck my mum’s publication house. On browsing through the books, I saw more than 10 books that had my mum’s name. As I turned around, I spotted her boss too. I was so delighted, that at last my mum is living her dreams. After fulfilling her duties as a caring mother, a diligent wife, she is on the road to find her womanhood. She has always made sure that her daughters are treated as if they were her sons.
In the dominant patriarchal set-up that we live in, girls are not considered a boon to the family, especially if you are the first grand-child. But my mum has just fought against everyone in the world, to give me the support and raise me up, without me having to face too many hurdles.
Same is the case with dad. I might have a million arguments with dad. I might fight with him, raise my voice, he raises his voice. Ego-clashes. I shut the door and start crying in my room. But I cannot think of another man taking his place. I can’t imagine any dad letting his daughter come back home from work at 1 in the night.
Such fathers are either care-free, or don’t worry about their daughter’s too much. But in my case, dad used to stay awake till the time I don’t enter home. He used to everyday note down the cab number I am coming in. he is not the over-possessive father, but the protective one.
Even now, he doesn’t ask me to give a penny out of my salary for the home expenses. Even now, he has never interfered in what I should do, or where I should work. Even now, he comes to pick me up from my workstation everyday or else I would have to slog on public transport in the chilly winter evenings.
I might have a fight with him every Sunday. Happens, when we see too much of each other. But I love him.
My sister, she is a darling. If I had to choose one person in the world for whom I would self-lessly give my life for, it has GOT to be my sister. Younger by 5 years, I tell her everything that a 15 year old can probably comprehend. She has covered up for me, many times. There have been times, when she has given her pocket money savings so that ‘I’ could buy chocopie and gobble it all by myself. We rarely fight, but when we do fight, we just don’t speak to each other for many days.
I am very bad at expressing my feelings for my family. I just can’t. I don’t know why. If it were a friend, it is so simple. I could either make a card, or give them flowers or just text them, saying that they mean a lot to me. But when it comes to family, I just suck. I just can’t can’t can’t, tell them how much they mean to me. Maybe that’s why I am writing about it. A lot of ego comes in. I just cant sorry. I just can’t say I Love You.
But this time, as I was surfing through my mum’s books, I just picked up my phone and called up my mum. She picked up and I stated how proud I was about having a mum like her. That I love her. That I feel proud to be her daughter. I started to cry. I hung up the fone.
Sunday Sickness!
As much as I love Sundays, I hate Sundays. This is the most awaited time of the week. Away from a boring cubicle, away from deadline screeches, away from the mundane life at work. Sundays is generally supposed to be a chill-out day with no worries.
Sunday reminds of getting up in the afternoon, complete the basic morning routine, basking in the sun in the frosty winter temperature of two degrees, speak to your relatives, take the whole bloody day to read every word of the newspaper, sit with mom dad, chat about the week. Then formulate the POA( Plan of Action) for the day. Decide where to hang out. Get Dilbara( my parents adopted third daughter;)) home, have her dressed up, and persuade the three-year old to convince my parents to take us out to any new hang-out zone in the city.
But eventually turns out to be a day, when mom ends up scolding me for not cleaning my room. I love my room when it is in a perpetual mess. With the single-bed that crowns my room, the left corner of the bed stacks the newspapers that are strewn apart after reading. You can find the whole week’s newspapers on the left side corner if it is a Sunday. The right corner of my bed houses the clothes I have adorned me all through the week. Under my bed, lie the shoes that have been worn the entire week!
Every Sunday, the newspapers get thrown into the balcony, and my clothes get thrown into the washing machine. And the semi-automatic bugger is a pain-in-the-ass, specially when the water is freezing cold, and washing clothes is the last thing you would wanna do on a holy-Sunday.
Every Sunday, HBO or Star Movies runs a nice movie, but my mom’s desirable wishes of watching a Tamil movie over-rides my desires. I don’t fucking understand coherent sentences in Tamil. My knowledge of my ‘mother-tongue’ is basic woodworking tools. Just canonic knowledge. Enough to talk to the grocery vendors and auto rickshaw walas. Fuming with rage, I enter my room, and start to watch a movie on my desktop.
And as soon, as I station myself to watch a mush movie, my dad barges into the room, to check his stock share prices. And my sister queues up next to check some stupid study material. And I go sulking in the corner. Its amazinghow everyone wants the same thing when I want it. And me and dad/mom would end up having a verbal encounter when we see each other for a VERY long time. Even if it is just momentary.
And beat this, it happens on every Sunday that I am at home.
Next Sunday on, I will not stay at home man. Away from vex, away from hen-pecking, away from the jade. Aah! I am just like any other teenager who just doesnt like to stay at home.
The power of Hope!
Today I am convinced that there is something called ‘right’, and that there is someone above you, who watches you and your world, and delivers justice. And irrespective of the circumstances, if you believe in yourself, come what may, no force on this planet can get in the way of imposing diabolical sorcerers under the influence of devils. Every circumstance is just a creation of your own mind. That is the power of belief. That is the power of faith. That, indeed, is the POWER OF HOPE!
whiff of fresh air!
Could I have two posts named untitled?!
I wonder how people manage to come up with titles for their post. This time I thought that I shall first construct a title, before I develop my post. What an aleatory concept, wherein I roll the dice and let it take wherever it wants to.
A lot of thoughts rolled into my mind, a day before New Year. A lot of folks called in on the eve to check out what my plans were, and experienced a cardiac tamponade as I told them that I plan to stay at home. Infact, for a moment, even I was surprised. What a sorry life I lead, sitting and watching Star Plus on the eve.
I was supposed to go out for dinner on the day of the New Year, but the plan got royally screwed due to the guy who ditched me at the last moment. But as the new day dawned, I had a list of invitations.
That’s what generally happens to me. Either everyone wants to entertain me, or else no one wants my company. Dene wala jab bhi deta, deta chappad faad ke!
It turned out to be an ‘exes’ day. The first person to wish me New Year’s was my ex. The day started with meeting my first crush. He has grown fat, and I have grown pretty. Or atleast that’s what we think! It was followed with a meeting with my ex. It feels so good to be in someone’s company who really misses you, and treats you like you are the princess of his world. And there is something about the ‘exes friendship’, there is a lot of warmth, care, affection. But no love.
That was about New Year. Check out the lousy service of the Café Coffee Day opposite Taj Palace. Again, bumped across a friend.( it happens to me, wherever I go! Maybe, my friends just hang out in the same places as me.) I got so frustrated with their service, that I actually fumed in rage, as I blasted a few expletives on their manager. I hadn’t ordered for a coffee in the Mesolithic Age that it should be taking him so much time to deliver. I hate waiting. Took a few pictures of me drinking coffee from the straw, but it looks as though I am smoking a cigarette. IRONIC!
I also made a few resolutions this year. Though I am sure, that I aint gonna keep up with any of them.
1. I shall invest myself in a few people, but the right people.
2. I shall not eat so much chicken like I do now.( I just love chicken. Life is so dull without it.)
3. I shall try reading the newspaper everyday. I do that now too, but read till the edit page, atleast.
4. Learn a new word everyday. Religiously doing it for the past 2 months, don’t know if I would be able to retain it.
5. Get serious about work. Been on a fling relationship with work. Shall ‘try’ to come to work on time, and WORK, instead of draining my peanut brain into unwanted stuff like reading on Rabbit Proof Fence(that’s how I spent the entire morning, reading about the release of 24 rabbits in an Australian farm in 1859, which caused an ecological imbalance in the Australian farms)
6. Check out new eating joints in and around Delhi. I have this real crazy thing for eating at new places. Right from the roadside dhaba to the high-end joint.
7. Continue blogging! It doesn’t take me time to think, it takes me time to put them in words. Moreover, all the effort of resolution#2 of learning new words can be put into use only if I write. moreover, i am a novice. i write a post and then ask someone else to edit it before i could publish it. but seems like that guy is frustrated, and i would have to do it myself!
Being single has made me sick for the past few days! So, I did a real crazy thing, but looking out on guys from the Tam Bram community on orkut. I just cant believe, I am that sick. But nothing progressive happening for me. Aah, luck aint just sprinkling any of it on me. But blah, what the heck. I no longer care.
I might go out to check out the new Turquoise Cottage in Vasant Vihar. I have never been there, because I was too young. And when I am old enough to visit some places, I don’t go. I am not a drinker, but I want to check that place out, just for the heck of it. Any takers for TC?!
On retrospection, my blog is becoming a daily diary entry, after a lousy day at work. I need to start writing substance. That is why I am not ballyhooing about my blog. The day I start to writ meaningful stuff, and not just jazz around aimlessly, I might start to spread the word. Till then, its just me and my own world that shall tramp on this page!
