What if it was ONLY me, wanting to hold on?
Okay, I dont know on whom to throw this feeling on. I have this he-best-friend, Harry. I have already spoken about him. We really like each other, we enjoy each other’s company; but we are not dating. Because we feel that we are just not meant to be with each other. But the whole WORLD around us, thinks that we are ‘together’. Our acquaintances know each other, our friends know each other. A nice guy to be with. Infact, I speak to him more often than I speak to Ex!
Apparently, I get a little jealous when he gets around with ‘other’ females, and still re-affirms that I still hold the special position. And I believed it is true. Wish words had meaning without actions.
We don’t fight. We don’t need to fight. We amicably resolve things between each other, before the heat builds on. He is someone I don’t need to prove myself to. I can just be me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY respect him. And platonically, love him too.
He has a lot of ego. I dont know, if I could call it un-necessary. So, even if we do have differences, he feels it is against his ego to make the initiative to resolve. And I have given myself OUT and OUT to him. And everytime, I forgot my ego; because HE was more important than an ego massage.
We had a great early-morning conversation today, and when I logged onto my system, I just wrote a casual ’satirical’ mail to him about something very trivial, and told him my perspective on it.
If it were the real him, I knew that he would have taken it as a positive thing. But I guess, the mail back-fired. I guess, this is the longest mail he has ever replied me back with a string of semantics I couldn’t imagine. I fathom if it were HIS fingers that typed that mail. And he deleted me from his list too 
I intended good humour and waxed with logic into my words. I think, its just the way he took it.
It was a very very small thing, that has been blown out of proportion.
The feeling I am going through right now: I feel pathetic. Tiny drops of water are welling up in my eyes. And now trickling down my cheek. I am yet to sink into the feeling. I still dont believe that he could have said something like that. I wish laptop screeens could shoulder weeping faces!
Maybe I just convince myself that he understands me, when he actually doesnt. Maybe he is the best of all I got. Maybe I just gave him respect in my mind, because I was too busy thinking that he was good. Maybe all the while, it was ME who was giving him the super-power status, because he stayed by me, when no-one else was around my side.
Maybe I am just convincing myself RIGHT NOW, that the lay-off ain’t a big deal.
Introspect: I think I get TOO possessive about people who are close to me. I start to feel that individual decisions are taken after mutual discussion with ME. I have a She-Best-Friend, JabberWock. I get extremely possessive around her too. If someone new infringes in the close circle, threatening MY position, I get all worked up.
I actually give TOO much. Without knowing if they are actually worth it or not.
I also have this VERY BAD quality, that whenever I have a tiff, I try to think of the situation from the other person’s perspective. And I play a mind-game with my own self. Presume that HE is right, and then try to PROVE yourself right. If I successfully convince myself, I stick to my decision. If I don’t find a valid point, I call up and apologize. I have never been ashamed to apologize. It is a learning process. But I guess, it is an act of humiliation more than humility.
I also need to learn HOW TO MOVE ON> I am in serious need. I just cant let go of things at all. What is wrong with me man? I just keep that carry-over quotient on with me. I cant quit my Ex completely, cuz I have been with him for such a long time. I cant quit my organization out of will, cuz this was the place I got my first pay-check. I generally don’t get attached to things, but when I do, I don’t seem to let go.
Third Eye: He just proved his worth. What if it was only me, wanting to hold on?
And this time, ThoughtStorm, don’t make a move. Enough of trying. Enough of failing. You are NOT afraid. You had a point, which was not taken well. Its all in your perspective. Dont keep a dented approach.
Open frame. Vast Horizon. Bloody Heart. Fucked-up mind. Vitriolic temper. Crude callowness. Thats me as I am. Un-edited!
The Wheel of Fortune, turns in my favour
Phew! And I did it! I cleared that major major interview too. The interview was completely fucked up. I started to believe that I need to pack my bags and leave for Bangalore to pursue my Masters in a not-so-well-known place. I even started calculating the finances, the loan, the clothes I would take, the shoes I would wear; when the 16th night, changed my life.
I could’nt believe that it was my name on the list! I was checking and re-checking, if it was the wrong list I was seeing. I called up my ex(btw, he is on a confused status. But for convenience sake,lets call him ex!) and chcked the result, and it had my name. My happiness was not as great as I expected.
It was more of a shock.
I had completely FUCKED up the interview. In the end, the panelists frustrated me. And I gave a hike to political correctness, and gave them MY perspective. Right/Wrong- I never thought. Moreover, it is a minority institution, and still I gave my views on THEIR religion.
There were truckloads f kids, who had a lot of media experience. With fat portfolios. Photography, poetry, animation, cartoon, painting, choreographers- all in one! And look at me, I just have one thing- and that is interest!
I am more excited, cuz I wanted to be one of the top kids who make it here. Because this is NOT a cakewalk. After studying Bachelors in a not-so-good college, I realise the importance of getting to the right place. I want to be in a place, where everyone is SOO good, that I would have to re-invent myself to sustain in the challenging environs.
I want to be on my own. The indepndence. The freedom of thought. The flow of creativity. The taxing of mind. The self-exploration.
Come August, I want to embrace you!
Plug-in: I resumed my BIG BOSS organisation for a month, to earn some extra bucks, cuz I wanna fund my Master’s on my own.
I got a senior preceding me at work. She is sweet, and detailed. I think, I can learn a lot from her.
Someone sent some ’sex chat’ messages to my big boss the other day; and it was NOT me. I really really respect him a LOT. He didnt accuse me or something, but I felt really bad. It was NOT me, cuz at THAT time, I was coffee-ing with Harry. And even if I wasnt, I could never think of BIG B with that eye.
More masala would drop by, as days go by!
You think I give a shrink?
I just HATE it when people get ‘judgemental’ about things around me. I might have a hundred squabblings with my parents, a thousand kattis with my sister, million of bitchslaps with friends, but that doesnt give YOU the right to get judgemental about THEM. You can have your views and opinions on ME, but dare u run afoul with them man.
I am self-satisfied and unconcerned on what you’ve got to say. Sometimes it just doesnt make any sense to me, but I hear you out just because I respect you, your opinion. Just the way I would want YOU to respect what I think.
I am very possessive about my loved one’s self-respect. What right do you have to point fingers on ‘them’? Dont violate the trust I have in our friendship. The faith I put on you. If all you want to do is just step over the relationship we share, u think I even give you a shrink?
The power of Hope!
Today I am convinced that there is something called ‘right’, and that there is someone above you, who watches you and your world, and delivers justice. And irrespective of the circumstances, if you believe in yourself, come what may, no force on this planet can get in the way of imposing diabolical sorcerers under the influence of devils. Every circumstance is just a creation of your own mind. That is the power of belief. That is the power of faith. That, indeed, is the POWER OF HOPE!
my blog needs a doctor!
Man! this blogging thingy is fretting me now. I kind of hate WordPress now. I bloody waste an hour of my working schedule, to construct a post, just to know that bloody WordPress foils my decent efforts by playing physically repellant games with me, by fucking with the spacing and numbering. Anyways no one reads my smutty posts, and if this phenomenon continues, I shall resort to my good old ‘free-from-anxiety’, hassle-free methodology of e-mailing my own self to track record my expansive thoughts.
I had this perception in my mind, that blogging is an amateur’s night-cap at writing. But this activity needs a lot more than creative brains. It’s a double-header ring-a-rosy affair, where I keep trying harder and harder, till I need to give my user name and password to someone who could make the requisite amendments. If this situation persists, I might give up the 7th clause of the New Year Resolution to continue blogging.
WordPress is making me gimpy! Crippling my desire to write. The technicalities are too much for a layman like me. Infact, anything that can’t be done by me on the web world, cannot be done by anyone. My thinking pattern is obtuse; I have a strangulated arena of knowledge and my cosmic universe is limited to the stamping quadrant.
With this of writing, and injured presentation, I would not even read my own posts. But, my horro’r’scope asked to keep a lot of patience this week and for its sake, shall have something fixed up soon. Guess, would read the Help section through and through, because someday, u got to learn to do stuff by your own. Not everything in life can be out-sourced. Nor do things come with user-manuals-for nitwit brains!
Resolution for the week: I shall furbish up my impaired blog. At least I shall try!
