Amused…
I sit and stare in front of my computer screen and the words don’t come to me. I think and think and think, for the stroke of thought to hit me–it doesn’t happen.
Since morning, I have been wanting to write a story and I faced the writer’s block. The deadline nears, and then I read a 1000 takes on the subject that I am writing on. I get ‘inspired’ by them, and try to show off my vocabulary and file the story and immediately send it to my editor.
Now, thats what happens, when you dont do things from your heart–you fail!
I just choreographed a few words into sentences. Sentences into paragraphs. And made them into one coherent essay. They did not make sense.I just wanted to wrap it up as soon as possible. I was not into it.
Am I really meant to be a features writer? Why do I have to search for words and then write? Why doesn’t it just come to me naturally? I just take the laptop on my lap and the fingers just dance on my keyboard. Like right now! Why dont I face the writer’s block when I blog? Or when I write about things I feel?
(To be Updated)
I need to finish the story that led to this post. After I wrap that up, I shall come back to write about the ’selective Writers Block’ I experience, every now and then! And it happens only at work!
Update: The post above was just a one hour thought! Justa figment of my imagination. Nothing to bother about seriously!
An Honest Testimony
This weekend was the alternate long weekend. As usual, went out, had fun! A trip to the bookfair, with my boss’s wife, Surajkund Mela with Dorky with an extensive photography session, and a lousy Sunday with movie watching and gearing myself for Monday morning blues. But this post is not about what I did.
My mum had just started working with a publishing house and edits books for them. She has never worked in an organization and it’s only lately, 4 months, to be precise, that she thought that now the time is ripe to leave her daughters to themselves and start to work. For all these years, mum religiously got up to make food, pack us to school, wait for us to come back, feed us with lunch, make us sleep, send us to tuitions, teach tuitions herself, then start cooking dinner and spend the night watching saas bahu serials!
It was a mundane routine that she followed. I went to the book fair and as I was rambling around, I serendipitously struck my mum’s publication house. On browsing through the books, I saw more than 10 books that had my mum’s name. As I turned around, I spotted her boss too. I was so delighted, that at last my mum is living her dreams. After fulfilling her duties as a caring mother, a diligent wife, she is on the road to find her womanhood. She has always made sure that her daughters are treated as if they were her sons.
In the dominant patriarchal set-up that we live in, girls are not considered a boon to the family, especially if you are the first grand-child. But my mum has just fought against everyone in the world, to give me the support and raise me up, without me having to face too many hurdles.
Same is the case with dad. I might have a million arguments with dad. I might fight with him, raise my voice, he raises his voice. Ego-clashes. I shut the door and start crying in my room. But I cannot think of another man taking his place. I can’t imagine any dad letting his daughter come back home from work at 1 in the night.
Such fathers are either care-free, or don’t worry about their daughter’s too much. But in my case, dad used to stay awake till the time I don’t enter home. He used to everyday note down the cab number I am coming in. he is not the over-possessive father, but the protective one.
Even now, he doesn’t ask me to give a penny out of my salary for the home expenses. Even now, he has never interfered in what I should do, or where I should work. Even now, he comes to pick me up from my workstation everyday or else I would have to slog on public transport in the chilly winter evenings.
I might have a fight with him every Sunday. Happens, when we see too much of each other. But I love him.
My sister, she is a darling. If I had to choose one person in the world for whom I would self-lessly give my life for, it has GOT to be my sister. Younger by 5 years, I tell her everything that a 15 year old can probably comprehend. She has covered up for me, many times. There have been times, when she has given her pocket money savings so that ‘I’ could buy chocopie and gobble it all by myself. We rarely fight, but when we do fight, we just don’t speak to each other for many days.
I am very bad at expressing my feelings for my family. I just can’t. I don’t know why. If it were a friend, it is so simple. I could either make a card, or give them flowers or just text them, saying that they mean a lot to me. But when it comes to family, I just suck. I just can’t can’t can’t, tell them how much they mean to me. Maybe that’s why I am writing about it. A lot of ego comes in. I just cant sorry. I just can’t say I Love You.
But this time, as I was surfing through my mum’s books, I just picked up my phone and called up my mum. She picked up and I stated how proud I was about having a mum like her. That I love her. That I feel proud to be her daughter. I started to cry. I hung up the fone.
Sunday Sickness!
As much as I love Sundays, I hate Sundays. This is the most awaited time of the week. Away from a boring cubicle, away from deadline screeches, away from the mundane life at work. Sundays is generally supposed to be a chill-out day with no worries.
Sunday reminds of getting up in the afternoon, complete the basic morning routine, basking in the sun in the frosty winter temperature of two degrees, speak to your relatives, take the whole bloody day to read every word of the newspaper, sit with mom dad, chat about the week. Then formulate the POA( Plan of Action) for the day. Decide where to hang out. Get Dilbara( my parents adopted third daughter;)) home, have her dressed up, and persuade the three-year old to convince my parents to take us out to any new hang-out zone in the city.
But eventually turns out to be a day, when mom ends up scolding me for not cleaning my room. I love my room when it is in a perpetual mess. With the single-bed that crowns my room, the left corner of the bed stacks the newspapers that are strewn apart after reading. You can find the whole week’s newspapers on the left side corner if it is a Sunday. The right corner of my bed houses the clothes I have adorned me all through the week. Under my bed, lie the shoes that have been worn the entire week!
Every Sunday, the newspapers get thrown into the balcony, and my clothes get thrown into the washing machine. And the semi-automatic bugger is a pain-in-the-ass, specially when the water is freezing cold, and washing clothes is the last thing you would wanna do on a holy-Sunday.
Every Sunday, HBO or Star Movies runs a nice movie, but my mom’s desirable wishes of watching a Tamil movie over-rides my desires. I don’t fucking understand coherent sentences in Tamil. My knowledge of my ‘mother-tongue’ is basic woodworking tools. Just canonic knowledge. Enough to talk to the grocery vendors and auto rickshaw walas. Fuming with rage, I enter my room, and start to watch a movie on my desktop.
And as soon, as I station myself to watch a mush movie, my dad barges into the room, to check his stock share prices. And my sister queues up next to check some stupid study material. And I go sulking in the corner. Its amazinghow everyone wants the same thing when I want it. And me and dad/mom would end up having a verbal encounter when we see each other for a VERY long time. Even if it is just momentary.
And beat this, it happens on every Sunday that I am at home.
Next Sunday on, I will not stay at home man. Away from vex, away from hen-pecking, away from the jade. Aah! I am just like any other teenager who just doesnt like to stay at home.
whiff of fresh air!
Could I have two posts named untitled?!
I wonder how people manage to come up with titles for their post. This time I thought that I shall first construct a title, before I develop my post. What an aleatory concept, wherein I roll the dice and let it take wherever it wants to.
A lot of thoughts rolled into my mind, a day before New Year. A lot of folks called in on the eve to check out what my plans were, and experienced a cardiac tamponade as I told them that I plan to stay at home. Infact, for a moment, even I was surprised. What a sorry life I lead, sitting and watching Star Plus on the eve.
I was supposed to go out for dinner on the day of the New Year, but the plan got royally screwed due to the guy who ditched me at the last moment. But as the new day dawned, I had a list of invitations.
That’s what generally happens to me. Either everyone wants to entertain me, or else no one wants my company. Dene wala jab bhi deta, deta chappad faad ke!
It turned out to be an ‘exes’ day. The first person to wish me New Year’s was my ex. The day started with meeting my first crush. He has grown fat, and I have grown pretty. Or atleast that’s what we think! It was followed with a meeting with my ex. It feels so good to be in someone’s company who really misses you, and treats you like you are the princess of his world. And there is something about the ‘exes friendship’, there is a lot of warmth, care, affection. But no love.
That was about New Year. Check out the lousy service of the Café Coffee Day opposite Taj Palace. Again, bumped across a friend.( it happens to me, wherever I go! Maybe, my friends just hang out in the same places as me.) I got so frustrated with their service, that I actually fumed in rage, as I blasted a few expletives on their manager. I hadn’t ordered for a coffee in the Mesolithic Age that it should be taking him so much time to deliver. I hate waiting. Took a few pictures of me drinking coffee from the straw, but it looks as though I am smoking a cigarette. IRONIC!
I also made a few resolutions this year. Though I am sure, that I aint gonna keep up with any of them.
1. I shall invest myself in a few people, but the right people.
2. I shall not eat so much chicken like I do now.( I just love chicken. Life is so dull without it.)
3. I shall try reading the newspaper everyday. I do that now too, but read till the edit page, atleast.
4. Learn a new word everyday. Religiously doing it for the past 2 months, don’t know if I would be able to retain it.
5. Get serious about work. Been on a fling relationship with work. Shall ‘try’ to come to work on time, and WORK, instead of draining my peanut brain into unwanted stuff like reading on Rabbit Proof Fence(that’s how I spent the entire morning, reading about the release of 24 rabbits in an Australian farm in 1859, which caused an ecological imbalance in the Australian farms)
6. Check out new eating joints in and around Delhi. I have this real crazy thing for eating at new places. Right from the roadside dhaba to the high-end joint.
7. Continue blogging! It doesn’t take me time to think, it takes me time to put them in words. Moreover, all the effort of resolution#2 of learning new words can be put into use only if I write. moreover, i am a novice. i write a post and then ask someone else to edit it before i could publish it. but seems like that guy is frustrated, and i would have to do it myself!
Being single has made me sick for the past few days! So, I did a real crazy thing, but looking out on guys from the Tam Bram community on orkut. I just cant believe, I am that sick. But nothing progressive happening for me. Aah, luck aint just sprinkling any of it on me. But blah, what the heck. I no longer care.
I might go out to check out the new Turquoise Cottage in Vasant Vihar. I have never been there, because I was too young. And when I am old enough to visit some places, I don’t go. I am not a drinker, but I want to check that place out, just for the heck of it. Any takers for TC?!
On retrospection, my blog is becoming a daily diary entry, after a lousy day at work. I need to start writing substance. That is why I am not ballyhooing about my blog. The day I start to writ meaningful stuff, and not just jazz around aimlessly, I might start to spread the word. Till then, its just me and my own world that shall tramp on this page!
circles…
Its been like a few light years, before i logged onto my blog again! and as i went through and saw my previous post, i was kinda amused by my tagline…
khamoshi-ek pal ke liye
and then it is followed by:
yet another weblog on wordpress.com!
what a stunt!
Mere saath khamoshi sirf ek pal tak rehti hai, uske baad to mera muh band hi nahi hota!
Sometimes, i wonder that i really talk a lot, words show who i am. and sometimes, its those very words that inhibit me from expressing myself. I realise, that off lately, i have just stopped socialising myself. Am i suffering from misanthropia?! Its not people, but places that give me a high. i enjoy ‘with’ and ‘without’ people. I dont want to trust anymore for the fear of getting hurt. Things are just slipping away from my hands, and i lay petrified on a smiling carpet. Too much has been happening too fast.
Life seems like coerced now, as if it is being wrung by the hands of fate. Emotions seldom seem to affect me, and i thought i am a sentimental fool! There are very few people in my life, i truly want. And the dichotomy being that ‘they’ dont realise their importance.
I know a lot of people, but they are not friends. I talk to a lot of people, but they still dont know me. and there are people who dont even require words, to know who the real ‘me’ is. i have a huge network, but not a huge circle.
I realise, that wherever i go, any hang-out joint, there is no place where i dont seem to know people. people, people, people, everywhere…a few days back, i went out to watch a movie at noida, and met a college friend. The guy who accompanied me, has often met more friends of mine, than his, cuz everytime we are out, we bump across a few bunch of my folks! And this time, i was like…lets go to NFC, i am sure we wont find folks there, and we could peacefully talk.
We land in NFC, a find a bunch of 10 people out of which i knew only one of them. at any given point of time, every person in the group knew only 2 people, and we just kept proliferating. Someone’s friend, someone’s boyfriend, someone’s brother…people just kept trickling in, and the numbers increased. But i felt so out of place, they were old friends, but not close friends! Maybe, the only reason i had a good time, was because we trace down our friendship in deep annals of time.
Whats the point of knowing so many poeple, when they dont care for you? What is the point of knowing so many heads, when you dont care for them? They are just stagnant entries in your fone-book, and hang-out buddies if you accidently bump across them.
Friends from school are friends for life. Friends from college are friends till college. Friends from office are not friends at all.I was penning down something a few days back, though the thought was triggered by a friend of mine, and i attribute the last lines to ‘jumbo’…
When you are saturated and yet not satisfied,
When you are happy and yet not content
When you have the strength and yet dont want to play
When you are a winner, a winner of losses.
Thats how you make me feel
like a void
that is COMPLETELY FILLED
with ‘nothing’!
