That is my SHE!
There she stations herself at one end of the lawn
Her crisp short hair falling on her face.
The wind caressing her neckline.
Staring helplessly at the sun-bathed garden
Watching from a lonely corner, the world around her
Everybody fighting their way through.
The dogs fighting for the last crumbs of bread
The girls fighting to be the prettiest amongst the rest
The Nescafe’ wala fighting to earn his butter
Everybody is running IN life
And she is running ‘away’ from life.
She sits in vain.
She watches them abstractly.
She is blind, but can see the unseen.
She is deaf, but can hear the unheard.
She is dumb, but can convey the unspoken.
She is my muse.
She is my prose.
That is my SHE!
Hope is such a BITCH!
It is better to not hope and not get, than to hope and get shattered! Hope leads to expectations. Expectations lead to disappointments. Disappointments lead to heartbreaks. That’s why, I reiterate, Hope is such a Bitch!
The Noise of Silence!
This is like this phenomenon that I have been observing for the past year and a half. I have a best friend, Jabberwock, but she is peanuts about her guy, that she doesn’t have time for me. She has been my best friend since school days, for more than 9 years now. I have a temporary best friend, Harry, of whom I have talked of before, but he seems to be reclining into the background, because I realize that I am putting in more than required to keep our sparks alive.
At any given time in my life, I ALWAYS have one person who is close to me. But as we get acquainted, he starts to fade away in the background, and someone else comes forward. And this phenomenon seems beautifully weaved. (He is a generalization. Even the she’s have betrayed me!)
At every BIG juncture in my life, I have lost friends, who I thought meant really important to me. Just as I was about to finish school, I knew ‘who meant what they really said’. I lost my best friends, due to some stupid misunderstanding and didn’t talk to each other for years. My love for them, transformed into hate. The scenario is that if one of those friends needed some help from me was the only time we have had conversations. But yea, my not-so-close school friends are still people I cherish catching up with. They are few friends, for whom, I would do ANYTHING.
As I am about to finish college, I LOST my college friends. I don’t even want to talk about what went wrong. But the point being that I never made close friends in college, but they were good friends. And as they say, you never miss the water until it’s gone.
Even the most interesting person on this planet, gets timeworn. It’s like playing a video game. You just keep trying harder and harder, till u don’t finish the level, but once u ride through it, it don’t think of investing the same amount of effort again! People too, likewise. Till the time you don’t know a person, u try to be your best self, and once you know each other, the importance slices away.
The time when my college friends started to wither away, I started to realize the importance of people. I know what it friendship means. Now I am very picky about people I go out with.
I also get jittery, if someone invades the close corners of my life, because I assume, like every time, this friendship too, would lose virtue. People, whom I have known over a period of time, retain their place. But when things just happen too fast, culminate that soon. I just don’t want to know new people. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to go away. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to come close to me. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me.
I am in my un-friendly mode off late. I was/am the social butterfly. But I just don’t want to know anyone. I just don’t want to be with anyone. I am in that phase, where I just want to be left alone. Do my own thing. Like I don’t care. Like I don’t bother. Like I shouldn’t bother. I feel lonely in crowds. Silence eases me.
Is there anyone who is hearing this silence?!
An Honest Testimony
This weekend was the alternate long weekend. As usual, went out, had fun! A trip to the bookfair, with my boss’s wife, Surajkund Mela with Dorky with an extensive photography session, and a lousy Sunday with movie watching and gearing myself for Monday morning blues. But this post is not about what I did.
My mum had just started working with a publishing house and edits books for them. She has never worked in an organization and it’s only lately, 4 months, to be precise, that she thought that now the time is ripe to leave her daughters to themselves and start to work. For all these years, mum religiously got up to make food, pack us to school, wait for us to come back, feed us with lunch, make us sleep, send us to tuitions, teach tuitions herself, then start cooking dinner and spend the night watching saas bahu serials!
It was a mundane routine that she followed. I went to the book fair and as I was rambling around, I serendipitously struck my mum’s publication house. On browsing through the books, I saw more than 10 books that had my mum’s name. As I turned around, I spotted her boss too. I was so delighted, that at last my mum is living her dreams. After fulfilling her duties as a caring mother, a diligent wife, she is on the road to find her womanhood. She has always made sure that her daughters are treated as if they were her sons.
In the dominant patriarchal set-up that we live in, girls are not considered a boon to the family, especially if you are the first grand-child. But my mum has just fought against everyone in the world, to give me the support and raise me up, without me having to face too many hurdles.
Same is the case with dad. I might have a million arguments with dad. I might fight with him, raise my voice, he raises his voice. Ego-clashes. I shut the door and start crying in my room. But I cannot think of another man taking his place. I can’t imagine any dad letting his daughter come back home from work at 1 in the night.
Such fathers are either care-free, or don’t worry about their daughter’s too much. But in my case, dad used to stay awake till the time I don’t enter home. He used to everyday note down the cab number I am coming in. he is not the over-possessive father, but the protective one.
Even now, he doesn’t ask me to give a penny out of my salary for the home expenses. Even now, he has never interfered in what I should do, or where I should work. Even now, he comes to pick me up from my workstation everyday or else I would have to slog on public transport in the chilly winter evenings.
I might have a fight with him every Sunday. Happens, when we see too much of each other. But I love him.
My sister, she is a darling. If I had to choose one person in the world for whom I would self-lessly give my life for, it has GOT to be my sister. Younger by 5 years, I tell her everything that a 15 year old can probably comprehend. She has covered up for me, many times. There have been times, when she has given her pocket money savings so that ‘I’ could buy chocopie and gobble it all by myself. We rarely fight, but when we do fight, we just don’t speak to each other for many days.
I am very bad at expressing my feelings for my family. I just can’t. I don’t know why. If it were a friend, it is so simple. I could either make a card, or give them flowers or just text them, saying that they mean a lot to me. But when it comes to family, I just suck. I just can’t can’t can’t, tell them how much they mean to me. Maybe that’s why I am writing about it. A lot of ego comes in. I just cant sorry. I just can’t say I Love You.
But this time, as I was surfing through my mum’s books, I just picked up my phone and called up my mum. She picked up and I stated how proud I was about having a mum like her. That I love her. That I feel proud to be her daughter. I started to cry. I hung up the fone.
Sunday Sickness!
As much as I love Sundays, I hate Sundays. This is the most awaited time of the week. Away from a boring cubicle, away from deadline screeches, away from the mundane life at work. Sundays is generally supposed to be a chill-out day with no worries.
Sunday reminds of getting up in the afternoon, complete the basic morning routine, basking in the sun in the frosty winter temperature of two degrees, speak to your relatives, take the whole bloody day to read every word of the newspaper, sit with mom dad, chat about the week. Then formulate the POA( Plan of Action) for the day. Decide where to hang out. Get Dilbara( my parents adopted third daughter;)) home, have her dressed up, and persuade the three-year old to convince my parents to take us out to any new hang-out zone in the city.
But eventually turns out to be a day, when mom ends up scolding me for not cleaning my room. I love my room when it is in a perpetual mess. With the single-bed that crowns my room, the left corner of the bed stacks the newspapers that are strewn apart after reading. You can find the whole week’s newspapers on the left side corner if it is a Sunday. The right corner of my bed houses the clothes I have adorned me all through the week. Under my bed, lie the shoes that have been worn the entire week!
Every Sunday, the newspapers get thrown into the balcony, and my clothes get thrown into the washing machine. And the semi-automatic bugger is a pain-in-the-ass, specially when the water is freezing cold, and washing clothes is the last thing you would wanna do on a holy-Sunday.
Every Sunday, HBO or Star Movies runs a nice movie, but my mom’s desirable wishes of watching a Tamil movie over-rides my desires. I don’t fucking understand coherent sentences in Tamil. My knowledge of my ‘mother-tongue’ is basic woodworking tools. Just canonic knowledge. Enough to talk to the grocery vendors and auto rickshaw walas. Fuming with rage, I enter my room, and start to watch a movie on my desktop.
And as soon, as I station myself to watch a mush movie, my dad barges into the room, to check his stock share prices. And my sister queues up next to check some stupid study material. And I go sulking in the corner. Its amazinghow everyone wants the same thing when I want it. And me and dad/mom would end up having a verbal encounter when we see each other for a VERY long time. Even if it is just momentary.
And beat this, it happens on every Sunday that I am at home.
Next Sunday on, I will not stay at home man. Away from vex, away from hen-pecking, away from the jade. Aah! I am just like any other teenager who just doesnt like to stay at home.
Lemme link you, baby!
I wanna try how to put links like, www.thoughtstorm.wordpress.com . Now lets see if this works.
I am getting a free trial period offer by one of my www.vineetgovinda.wordpress.com, whose is giving me s step-by-step instruction on how to use wordpress. He was astonished that i somehow managed to put a password on my post.
So now, I am learning to use wordpress. I feel like an unlearned American, my call-centre freinds keep talking about, who are nitwits to the core, and dont even know how to restart a computer. So, lemme post this and see if my links are working or not!
And the links did not work! Wow. I am a serious nutmeg.
He suddenly gives a new suggestion. Lets try that out.
I want the word friend to be highlighted. So, lemme reset my computing skills.
I am being taught by this friend and this procedure atlast comes to an end I hope. And he gets a free advert too, for being so kind and patient with me. I am thanking him, even before I could see if it worked or not, because both of us know, that I am going to bug him, till the time my worries arent solved.
_____________________________________
yes yes yes! I did it. I learnt how to put links. I no longer have to shell away my passwords to people and have my blog edited! Infact, if i didnt learn this today, there would be a day, when all my friends would have the password access to my blog!
and now, I am having a special tutorial on how to insert images! And my darling freind feels like an ASSHOLE, in the post!
ANd voila, I have managed to screw this one up too! the picture has been copied thrice and it loooks so huge.
Phew! Atlast, I end this post here!
Ye to double-bonus nikla! I learnt a few new things, as well as I constructed a post!
The power of Hope!
Today I am convinced that there is something called ‘right’, and that there is someone above you, who watches you and your world, and delivers justice. And irrespective of the circumstances, if you believe in yourself, come what may, no force on this planet can get in the way of imposing diabolical sorcerers under the influence of devils. Every circumstance is just a creation of your own mind. That is the power of belief. That is the power of faith. That, indeed, is the POWER OF HOPE!
my blog needs a doctor!
Man! this blogging thingy is fretting me now. I kind of hate WordPress now. I bloody waste an hour of my working schedule, to construct a post, just to know that bloody WordPress foils my decent efforts by playing physically repellant games with me, by fucking with the spacing and numbering. Anyways no one reads my smutty posts, and if this phenomenon continues, I shall resort to my good old ‘free-from-anxiety’, hassle-free methodology of e-mailing my own self to track record my expansive thoughts.
I had this perception in my mind, that blogging is an amateur’s night-cap at writing. But this activity needs a lot more than creative brains. It’s a double-header ring-a-rosy affair, where I keep trying harder and harder, till I need to give my user name and password to someone who could make the requisite amendments. If this situation persists, I might give up the 7th clause of the New Year Resolution to continue blogging.
WordPress is making me gimpy! Crippling my desire to write. The technicalities are too much for a layman like me. Infact, anything that can’t be done by me on the web world, cannot be done by anyone. My thinking pattern is obtuse; I have a strangulated arena of knowledge and my cosmic universe is limited to the stamping quadrant.
With this of writing, and injured presentation, I would not even read my own posts. But, my horro’r’scope asked to keep a lot of patience this week and for its sake, shall have something fixed up soon. Guess, would read the Help section through and through, because someday, u got to learn to do stuff by your own. Not everything in life can be out-sourced. Nor do things come with user-manuals-for nitwit brains!
Resolution for the week: I shall furbish up my impaired blog. At least I shall try!
whiff of fresh air!
Could I have two posts named untitled?!
I wonder how people manage to come up with titles for their post. This time I thought that I shall first construct a title, before I develop my post. What an aleatory concept, wherein I roll the dice and let it take wherever it wants to.
A lot of thoughts rolled into my mind, a day before New Year. A lot of folks called in on the eve to check out what my plans were, and experienced a cardiac tamponade as I told them that I plan to stay at home. Infact, for a moment, even I was surprised. What a sorry life I lead, sitting and watching Star Plus on the eve.
I was supposed to go out for dinner on the day of the New Year, but the plan got royally screwed due to the guy who ditched me at the last moment. But as the new day dawned, I had a list of invitations.
That’s what generally happens to me. Either everyone wants to entertain me, or else no one wants my company. Dene wala jab bhi deta, deta chappad faad ke!
It turned out to be an ‘exes’ day. The first person to wish me New Year’s was my ex. The day started with meeting my first crush. He has grown fat, and I have grown pretty. Or atleast that’s what we think! It was followed with a meeting with my ex. It feels so good to be in someone’s company who really misses you, and treats you like you are the princess of his world. And there is something about the ‘exes friendship’, there is a lot of warmth, care, affection. But no love.
That was about New Year. Check out the lousy service of the Café Coffee Day opposite Taj Palace. Again, bumped across a friend.( it happens to me, wherever I go! Maybe, my friends just hang out in the same places as me.) I got so frustrated with their service, that I actually fumed in rage, as I blasted a few expletives on their manager. I hadn’t ordered for a coffee in the Mesolithic Age that it should be taking him so much time to deliver. I hate waiting. Took a few pictures of me drinking coffee from the straw, but it looks as though I am smoking a cigarette. IRONIC!
I also made a few resolutions this year. Though I am sure, that I aint gonna keep up with any of them.
1. I shall invest myself in a few people, but the right people.
2. I shall not eat so much chicken like I do now.( I just love chicken. Life is so dull without it.)
3. I shall try reading the newspaper everyday. I do that now too, but read till the edit page, atleast.
4. Learn a new word everyday. Religiously doing it for the past 2 months, don’t know if I would be able to retain it.
5. Get serious about work. Been on a fling relationship with work. Shall ‘try’ to come to work on time, and WORK, instead of draining my peanut brain into unwanted stuff like reading on Rabbit Proof Fence(that’s how I spent the entire morning, reading about the release of 24 rabbits in an Australian farm in 1859, which caused an ecological imbalance in the Australian farms)
6. Check out new eating joints in and around Delhi. I have this real crazy thing for eating at new places. Right from the roadside dhaba to the high-end joint.
7. Continue blogging! It doesn’t take me time to think, it takes me time to put them in words. Moreover, all the effort of resolution#2 of learning new words can be put into use only if I write. moreover, i am a novice. i write a post and then ask someone else to edit it before i could publish it. but seems like that guy is frustrated, and i would have to do it myself!
Being single has made me sick for the past few days! So, I did a real crazy thing, but looking out on guys from the Tam Bram community on orkut. I just cant believe, I am that sick. But nothing progressive happening for me. Aah, luck aint just sprinkling any of it on me. But blah, what the heck. I no longer care.
I might go out to check out the new Turquoise Cottage in Vasant Vihar. I have never been there, because I was too young. And when I am old enough to visit some places, I don’t go. I am not a drinker, but I want to check that place out, just for the heck of it. Any takers for TC?!
On retrospection, my blog is becoming a daily diary entry, after a lousy day at work. I need to start writing substance. That is why I am not ballyhooing about my blog. The day I start to writ meaningful stuff, and not just jazz around aimlessly, I might start to spread the word. Till then, its just me and my own world that shall tramp on this page!
